I hadn't intended to revisit my recent stories about bears in the Seattle area so soon, but there was a major bear attack inside the Seattle city limits, so an update seemed timely. Urban wildlife is getting to be a trend, noted by Seattle Post-Intelligencer columnist Cathy Sorbo. At least we know why the city is so crowded these days – it's not the Californians, it's the animals. Remember: Density is good for wildlife. (Check out these videos from suburban Vancouver.) Soon we'll be building condos for raccoons and coyotes in Belltown, but will they be able to afford $300,000 for a studio? There is so much wildlife in the city these days that the P-I thought it wise to educate residents on the protocol of animal trapping, something that hasn't been needed on Puget Sound since the Hudson Bay Company pulled out. But remember that Washington eliminated bear baiting and trapping back in the mid-1990s. Since then, the population of black bears has increased. The Washington State Department of Fish and Wildlife estimates there are about 25,000 in the state, which is equivalent to the city of SeaTac. But just because they're neighbors, don't assume they're friendly. Those people in Sea-Tac can be grumps. Same with black bears. A bear in Utah tragically killed a young boy earlier this month. Perhaps because Utah is a loyal Republican state, the family blamed it on the federal government. Hillary Clinton undoubtedly had something to do with it. Nowhere is safe, not even Romania, where a bear savagely killed an American tourist recently. Look: If we don't fight them over there, we'll be fighting them over here and over there. And check out what this ex-Marine did: He went all Paul Bunyon and killed a black bear with a log. Perhaps we're fighting the war in Iraq with the wrong weapons. If we don't have enough logs – and we might not because the state Department of Natural Resources says black bears are killing our forests – we can always recruit a brigade of grizzlies. So far this summer, they've mauled folks in Grand Teton National Park and Yellowstone (the guy in Yellowstone has been mauled twice!), and tourist-eatin' season has barely begun. Now that's a surge that's working – and work for surgeons. It might be that a secret government project is already onto this idea. Scientists say they are on their way to recovering the genomes of Neanderthals, wooly mammoths, and prehistoric cave bears. Throw in some dwarves and elves and you'd have a real army. (Please, don't tell Dick Cheney about this!) Instead of using bears to combat terrorism, the government seems to be trying to kill bears slowly by making them obese. As I reported, the preferred bear bait is Krispy Kreme donuts – which, I have a feeling, suspiciously matches the tastes of the trap-baiters. I mean, wouldn't rotten bass work just as well? The whole things smells like a lovely, doughy, fatty, chocolate-with-sprinkles pastry if you ask me. And if the Department of Fish and Wildlife really cared about the bears, wouldn't they be using locally made, non-transfat, vegan Mighty-O donuts instead? Fortunately, there is a place for chubby bears outside of the Chicago offensive line or the Gay Pride parade. When they do drop dead of clogged arteries, there is a crematorium in Aberdeen, Wash., specifically designed to handle large animals, including bears, elephants, giraffes, and cats fed on the Food Stamp-diet. With 25,000 donut addicts sniffing around our backyards, I'd be bullish rather than bearish on the crematoriums-for-fat-animals industry. Talk to your broker. You heard it here first.
Humankind is cruisin' for a bruin bruisin' – and the bears are giving it
Since we last considered the subject, it turns out that bears have been on the prowl all over the world. Is it the donuts? And what do you do with a fat, dead bear? Those and other questions answered in this ursine update.
One of Washington's 25,000 black bears. (Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife)
Since we last considered the subject, it turns out that bears have been on the prowl all over the world. Is it the donuts? And what do you do with a fat, dead bear? Those and other questions answered in this ursine update.
