Drunken Seattle
There's plenty to do in the Emerald City while intoxicated.
By Steve Clifford
April 17, 2007.
Visitors often complain "there is nothing to do in Seattle after you've had too much to drink." Unaware of what the city offers, they usually repair to their hotel room to fight with their spouses.
Locals know better. Seattle presents a wide variety of entertaining and educational activities for person who has had too much to drink. Here is a sample:
- Visit REI's flagship store and try the 65-foot indoor climbing pinnacle. "Later you can sue REI for negligence," counsels trial attorney Tom Griffin. "If the injury results in multiple fractures, I will represent you."
- Attend a school board hearing. "And please voice your opinion," adds a board member. "You will be the most coherent speaker no matter how much you have had to drink."
- Threaten to move to Oklahoma City. You can enrich yourself by shouting, "Seattle must prove it's not bush league by showering me with money, or I'm voting to move the Plumbing Suppliers' convention to Oklahoma City, or maybe Renton."
- Drown. This is a local favorite, especially in the summer when Seattleites' mixture of boating and drinking culminates in the Seafair Drowning Derby. "Seattle is a great place to drown," says Mayor Greg Nickels. "Uniquely in Seattle you can choose to drown in salt water or fresh water."
- Get the Republican nomination. "Whenever people say there is nothing to do in Seattle after you have had too much to drink, I ask what about pursuing the Republican nomination for Congress," says Thurston Roach, the GOP county chairman. "We are always looking for some fool to run against Jim McDermott."
- Argue in public with your spouse. After drinking too much, Seattleites treasure public arguments with spouses. Use the terms "meathead," "low-watt bulb," and "your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top" and you'll fit right in.
- Stroll through bustling Belltown. After having too much to drink, walk around where you can sample Uzbek-Sudanese fusion cuisine, flip a condo, or contract a sexually transmitted disease.
- Ride the Monorail. Step back in time. Imagine you are back in 1962 and naïvely believe this is the transportation system of the future.
- Dream of solving your financial problems through obtaining donations from Bill Gates and Paul Allen. This is what everyone associated with a Seattle non-profit organization does after having too much to drink.
- Go to a hip-hop club. Because whitebread Seattle has the worst hip-hop clubs in the nation, you can deplore the music. Depending on your age, declare the music inferior to Milli Vanilli, The Shirelles, The Big Bopper, Bing Crosby, or Gregorian chants.