Closing the bullpen loophole in our open-meetings law
Seattle's reputation for full citizen participation is besmirched at Safeco Field night after night. We must begin the process of fixing it at once.
Why are the citizens of Seattle excluded from participating in important decisions?
At Safeco Field, which was financed partly with public funds, the decision to bring in a relief pitcher is made in private, without hearings, without public consultation, and without due process.
I say end this elitist, exclusionary, and undemocratic process. I propose that the following regulations shall apply to pitching changes at Safeco Field:
- Mound conferences: The state's open meeting law shall apply to all conferences held on the pitcher's mound.
- Notice: Notice of a mound conference must be published in the official paper of record at least seven days prior to a proposed change of pitchers. Notice shall be given only after completing a Community Visioning Process (see below).
- Nomination of relief pitcher: Mariners management may nominate one of the two candidates with the highest score on the Relief Pitcher Merit Examination. Candidates must demonstrate relevant skills by staying awake during City Council meetings. Tests of athletic skills may constitute 25 percent of total score; provided such tests do not disproportionately impact any protected class including women, the elderly, minorities, fire worshipers, whiners, and tri-gender activists.
- Community Visioning Process: For "visioning" purposes, the "community" is defined as wackos, windbags, self-appointed moralists, psychopaths, fatuous jerks, and tri-gender activists. Community visioning meetings will be held at all bus shelters on alternate Wednesdays.
- Public comment at mound conferences: The Seattle Meeting Rule shall apply to mound conferences. This rule, which applies to all public meetings, private dinner parties, and business meetings, states: "The time allotted to each speaker shall be inversely proportional to the speaker's knowledge of the subject." Management must provide simultaneous translation of mound conferences in four dialects of Khmer.
- Petition to remove: Management may file a petition to replace a pitcher ("Shelled Pitcher"), specifying performance issues in writing. Shelled Pitcher must be allowed at least three more innings to remedy performance problems. Under certain circumstances, management may remove Shelled Pitcher if performance is not rectified after three innings, provided Shelled Pitcher is offered counseling (three counselors if Shelled Pitcher is tri-gender).
- Appeal: Shelled Pitcher may file a grievance with his shop steward or the National Labor Relations Board. Shelled Pitcher may also appeal the decision to the Civil Service Commission, City Human Rights Commission, State Human Rights Commission, Federal Equal Opportunities Commission, or, if tri-gender, to the Trilateral Commission. If Shelled Pitcher believes poor performance was due to physical disability, he may sue under the Americans with Disabilities Act.
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Comments:
Posted Sun, May 6, 7:30 a.m. Inappropriate
Yet even Mr. Clifford betrays his gender biases by referring to subject pitchers as "he." This is seriously outmoded and patriarchal thinking that obviously disqualifies him from further commentary. An equitable resolution of this travesty is to heretofore require that future pitching activities must be done by not any single person, but instead by a collective consensus of female, gay, lesbian, transgender, non-gender, multi-gender, black, Latino, asian, first people, disabled persons. And to accomodate this obviously just solution, the pitching mound shall immediately be increased to a size of one full acre.
Justice demands no less!
The Piper
Posted Sun, May 6, 8:38 a.m. Inappropriate
I have filed a discrimination lawsuit mandating that translators be present at all such meetings, that your proposal be translated into 36 different languages, that transportation be provided to ensure that the meeting can be attended by all citizens regardless of economic means, and that you establish a Director of Diversity position ensure future proposals do not promote institutional racism.
Furthermore, I am asking for punitive damages because your picture and biography, posted with the obvious intention of flaunting your white male privilege, has made me feel uncomfortable.
Posted Wed, May 9, 5:50 p.m. Inappropriate
This is Brian Hays, Christopher's brother. It's been a long time. Good column, but from the tone of the comments, you are currently reaching an audience with no hobbies or meaningful outside interests. Translation - losers.
Maybe you need to ramp up your comments a notch.
Good luck.
Posted Wed, May 9, 7:44 p.m. Inappropriate
But I survive! Why, I've even taken on two, three, four or more, and I've been known to humble the lot. Still...as Errol Flynn said said to Little John played by Alan Hale, Sr. in The Adventures of Robin Hood, "I love a man who can best me!"
But to be called a...loser. My, oh my! Can't you do better than that, Brian, my man? Really, get thee to a thesaurus, and show a little imagination. May I? I've taken the liberty...
"also-ran*, bomb, bummer, bust, deadbeat*, defeated, disadvantaged, dud*, failure, fall guy, flop*, flunkey, lemon, turkey, underdog, underprivileged, washout."
Underprivileged...I don't believe I've ever been called underprivileged. A lot of things - you should hear what some members of the reverand clergy have called me! - but never underprivileged.
It takes but a few moments if perspiration and a wee dram of inspiration to come up with some terrific insults. But loser? You can do better than that!
What, BTW, ever happened to extending to me the courtesy of holding and expressing an opinion different than the obviously divinely inspired one held by such an august personage such as yourself? Enquiring minds want to know!
The Piper
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