Putting on the Doggerel: All the news that's fin to print
What do Paul Allen, a gray whale, and the Washington State Ferries have in common? They all displace a lot of water. Or two of them are running out of gas, and one of them is all gas. You decide.
There's one thing that the Northwest has
more so than most locations;
It's water, water everywhere,
and endless liquidations.
Water soaks our skins all year
and makes our sump pumps shake,
but in return we get the joys
of river, bay, and lake.
For lovers of the sea it's been
tough times recently:
Cutbacks on the ferry routes;
whales dead indecently.
Some weeks ago off Mercer Isle,
at a pleasure boat just passing,
a rent-a-cop yelled from the shore
that they were all trespassing.
The skipper was surprised to learn
he'd accidentally fallen
into waters wholly owned
by billionaire Paul Allen.
So if you've got a family yacht,
be careful where you move it.
'cuz Allen thinks he owns the lake
and he's got the cops to prove it.
Take a ferry ride instead,
to escape Paul's massive ego.
But the boats are losing money, swabs,
as they across the sea go.
The ferry system could save dough
(10 million, maybe more)
But what they want to do is keep
the ferries at the shore.
Fewer runs; bigger crowds –
a simple antidote
for money-losing ferries – getting
more bang for the boat.
They need to think outside the ship
To raise the extra scratch.
Casino gambling might go well
on the Spokane and Wenatch'.
Wayne Newton in the Hyak lounge;
a strip show on the Elwa;
and those against state-sponsored vice
can just go straight to Hell, WA.
The promotion should be easy
for our ferry floating games.
The boats already have the needed
Northwest Indian names.
Then there are the whalers,
who gallantly set sail,
and pumped three different kinds of lead
into that poor damned whale.
There's a sad truth to be learned here,
From the stern up the bow, boys,
it's a sorry day for everyone
when Indians act like cowboys.
Will the five get punished or
will they get to beat it?
Hey! When their "prize" resurfaces,
why not make them eat it?
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Comments:
Posted Thu, Sep 13, 5:56 p.m. inappropriate
Wayne Newton? Sucker's older than most of the Indian treaties that established reservations and allowed the tribes to fish, clam, and, yes, hunt whales, albeit only under the auspices of affected tribes and not as lone-wolf, off-the-shelf operations.
He didn't even pronounce it correctly, per Fraulein Geiss, my 8th grade German teacher: It's Danke "Shurn," not Danke "Shane." Shane was the Jack Schaefer western novel about a black-clad gunfighter we had to read also in 8th grade English - made into a very over rated Alan Ladd movie, BTW...thoughts on that, Palmer?
Besides, given the amount of cosmetic surgery Wayne has had, would he pass the restrictions against placing hazmat on board a Washington ferry?
As an aside, I was a young boy living in Pheonix when Jackie Gleason's entourage blew through town to pick up a then very young Wayne Newton who was to be featured on his new (1961) TV show...
As for Paul Allen??? He gets pretty impetinent at times, and maybe a mass protest - a "boat-in" - with loud music blaring toward his mega-mansion is in order? Certainly worked for Tony Soprano (the loud music on his boat, Stugats, that is) to make a point with a recalcitrant "business" associate in an episode of The Soprano's.
It's not sad to say,
A ferry to Vashon
Soon more you will pay...
Performance audits
Disclosing red ink
Earn taxpayer plaudits...
Adieu your free ride,
Bainbridge commuter,
It $ailed with the tide...
The Piper
Posted Thu, Sep 13, 6:41 p.m. inappropriate
COME BACK, SHANE, SHANE COME BACK: The whole movie isn't overrated; Alan Ladd was overrated, and undertalented, and underheighted, for the part. Shane's supposed to look like (ironically) Jack Palance, not Stubby the Cowboy Buckaroo. Shane isn't supposed to be wearing buckskins and fringe, for God sake, but a Palance-like simple black outfit. Ladd's presence and performance is Exhibit One in the argument that talent should never have too much power, as Ladd did at that time at that studio.
Ignore Ladd, however, and it really is a very good film, otherwise perfectly cast.
Posted Fri, Sep 14, 12:55 a.m. inappropriate
Poetry Critic Dies at Sea: Just when you think things are bad,
And cannot possibly get worse,
Along comes Palmer's jihad
To make his audience read verse.
One reader said "To Hell with this poem,
I'm packing up my bags and riding my bicycle home."
Thinking quite quickly, Greg in a few strokes,
Thrust an umbrella into said reader's spokes.
That left but one of both readers of Palm's,
That one being me, who'd rather read Psalms.
I deplored Greg's attack on poor billionaire Paul,
Doggerel like that takes unmitigated gall.
A quick call to Paul, "Can I borrow your boat,
The one that keeps a helicopter and crew of 200 afloat?"
He said "Only if you get Palmer, with my yacht's nuclear sub,
the one that nukes rhymes that strain and that flub."
I quickly became Ahab in monomaniacal glee,
And shot off a missile, as Greg tried to flee.
But the rocket missed and harpooned the side of a Makah whale,
Who dragged me down deep, where to drown is to fail.
My breath I held long, Would Davy Jone's Locker be my casket?
No, it turned out, I went to Hell, WA in a basket.
Posted Fri, Sep 14, 9:09 a.m. inappropriate
Paul Allen vs The Public Trust Doctrine: You can't own navigable waters in Washington State.
"Simply stated, the public trust doctrine provides protection of public ownership interests in certain uses of navigable waters and underlying lands, including navigation, commerce, fisheries, recreation, and environmental quality. While tidelands may be sold into private ownership, the public trust reserves a public property interest in these lands and the waters flowing over them.
Indeed, the public trust interest in these lands and waters is so strong that government can defeat the public right only by express legislation, and then only to promote other public, rather than private, values." (Washington Law Review, Vo. 67-521, 1992)
Go ahead boatowners, fishermen, and swimmers, Allen can threaten you with his hired bullies but all they can do is keep you from trespassing on his shoreline solid land property above the the ordinary high tide.