The Official Crosscut Voter's Guide

Proposition 3: Legislative Priorities

Proposition 3 would establish the following legislative goals for the Seattle City Council for the next decade:

• Rename as Rosa Parks Avenue all numbered avenues between Fourth and 35th.
• Waive lap-dancing restrictions for victims of famines caused by global warming. Dancers and patrons must be four feet apart. No tipping into g-strings. Clubs must install bright lighting and a three-foot railing between the stage and the audience.
• As a condition for opening a store in Seattle, require Wal-Mart to construct a new hospital for each employee.
• Ban the sale of items manufactured in Myanmar, unless such items demonstrably reduce public school class size.
• Recycle pro-choice biodiversity.
• Guarantee access to quality veterinary care for transgendered circus animals.
• Require doggie day spas to provide services that are both "doggie friendly" and "environmentally friendly" at "reasonable prices."
• Do something about gas-guzzling SUV's, high-flush toilets, blaming the victim, the Mercer Mess, diversity, workforce housing, and AIDS.
• Be nice more and be more nice.

City Attorney's Explanation
The effect of this advisory measure, if approved: What do I know? Your are talking about the Seattle City Council, a legislative body that recently commissioned a poem about itself, that read, in part, "Each member, eyes forward, strokes to heal the vices while meetings ripple like drops across the waters." Proposition 3 is likely to get thrown out by the courts so I didn't waste much time on it.

Should this measure be enacted into law?
Yes [ ]  No [ ]  I'll get back to you [ ]

Statement For Proposition 3: It can't hurt.

Statement Against Proposition 3: It can't help.

Rebuttal of Statement Against: That's a stupid argument.

Rebuttal of Statement For: Stupid, my keister! You want stupid. Stupid is saying, "It can't hurt." Stupid is you.

Seattle City Council Position 2

Robert Clark, Incumbent

• Experience: Drunk and disorderly 2007; shoplifting 2006; manslaughter 2006; DUI 2003, 2005; auto theft 2004; arson 2003; treason 2002.
• Platform: As your councilperson, I will continue to provide superb material for humorists.

Sarah Kelly, Bi-Polar Neighborhood Gender Activist

• Experience: President, WOGAWRAGM (Women of Gender Against War, Racism, and Global Warming) 2003-2007; diagnosed as schizoaffective with inverted narcissistic tendencies 2006; organizer, Lawyers of Gender March For Uncapped Tort Fees 2004-2007; diagnosed as a delusional trichotillomaniac 2003; secretary, People of Gender Opposed to the Bad Guys in Darfur, Myanmar, and Some Countries We Cannot Pronounce 2003.
• Platform: As your councilperson, I will continue to champion the rights and opportunities for people of gender.

Seattle City Council Position 4

Janet Jones, Incumbent

• Experience: petty larceny 2007; DUI 2002-2007; armed robbery 2004; assault with a deadly weapon 2003; breaking and entering 2003, resume fabrication 2001-2007.
• Platform: If reelected, I will enter rehab. The ball is in your court.

Ralph Sterling, Neighborhood Pest

• Experience: embezzlement 2007; bribery 2006; disorderly (exposing himself) 2005, 2003, 2000; felonious assault 2001; Nobel Peace Prize 2001; resume fabrication 2001.
• Platform: This job pays $104,000. That's more than triple my present salary.