The Official Crosscut Voter's Guide
The most complete rundown of the 2007 election to be found anywhere, anytime, anyhow.
By Steve Clifford
October 28, 2007.
Proposition 3: Legislative Priorities
Proposition 3 would establish the following legislative goals for the Seattle City Council for the next decade:
- Rename as Rosa Parks Avenue all numbered avenues between Fourth and 35th.
- Waive lap-dancing restrictions for victims of famines caused by global warming. Dancers and patrons must be four feet apart. No tipping into g-strings. Clubs must install bright lighting and a three-foot railing between the stage and the audience.
- As a condition for opening a store in Seattle, require Wal-Mart to construct a new hospital for each employee.
- Ban the sale of items manufactured in Myanmar, unless such items demonstrably reduce public school class size.
- Recycle pro-choice biodiversity.
- Guarantee access to quality veterinary care for transgendered circus animals.
- Require doggie day spas to provide services that are both "doggie friendly" and "environmentally friendly" at "reasonable prices."
- Do something about gas-guzzling SUV's, high-flush toilets, blaming the victim, the Mercer Mess, diversity, workforce housing, and AIDS.
- Be nice more and be more nice.
City Attorney's Explanation
The effect of this advisory measure, if approved: What do I know? Your are talking about the Seattle City Council, a legislative body that recently commissioned a poem about itself, that read, in part, "Each member, eyes forward, strokes to heal the vices while meetings ripple like drops across the waters." Proposition 3 is likely to get thrown out by the courts so I didn't waste much time on it.
Should this measure be enacted into law?
Yes [ ] No [ ] I'll get back to you [ ]
Statement For Proposition 3: It can't hurt.
Statement Against Proposition 3: It can't help.
Rebuttal of Statement Against: That's a stupid argument.
Rebuttal of Statement For: Stupid, my keister! You want stupid. Stupid is saying, "It can't hurt." Stupid is you.
Seattle City Council Position 2
Robert Clark, Incumbent
- Experience: Drunk and disorderly 2007; shoplifting 2006; manslaughter 2006; DUI 2003, 2005; auto theft 2004; arson 2003; treason 2002.
- Platform: As your councilperson, I will continue to provide superb material for humorists.
Sarah Kelly, Bi-Polar Neighborhood Gender Activist
- Experience: President, WOGAWRAGM (Women of Gender Against War, Racism, and Global Warming) 2003-2007; diagnosed as schizoaffective with inverted narcissistic tendencies 2006; organizer, Lawyers of Gender March For Uncapped Tort Fees 2004-2007; diagnosed as a delusional trichotillomaniac 2003; secretary, People of Gender Opposed to the Bad Guys in Darfur, Myanmar, and Some Countries We Cannot Pronounce 2003.
- Platform: As your councilperson, I will continue to champion the rights and opportunities for people of gender.
Seattle City Council Position 4
Janet Jones, Incumbent
- Experience: petty larceny 2007; DUI 2002-2007; armed robbery 2004; assault with a deadly weapon 2003; breaking and entering 2003, resume fabrication 2001-2007.
- Platform: If reelected, I will enter rehab. The ball is in your court.
Ralph Sterling, Neighborhood Pest
- Experience: embezzlement 2007; bribery 2006; disorderly (exposing himself) 2005, 2003, 2000; felonious assault 2001; Nobel Peace Prize 2001; resume fabrication 2001.
- Platform: This job pays $104,000. That's more than triple my present salary.
Comments:
Posted Mon, Oct 29, 12:23 p.m. Inappropriate
Just because most people claim to be "of gender" doesn't mean everyone is, and those who are not deserve candidates whose sensitivities to non-gender issues are more evolved than those of candidate Sarah Kelly, who is clearly lacking in the most basic empathy for people outside her narrow clique of people who think having gender makes them so, so special. Clearly, she is non-gender-deaf. For shame.