FLIP SIDE'S WARM SIDE

Following my dismal showing in the early primaries, I considered retooling my campaign:

Steve: I'm doing poorly because voters do not see my warm side.

Judith (my wife and entire campaign staff): What side is that?

Steve: My left side. Inflamed deltoids keep my left shoulder warm.

Judith: You'll need more than that. What does research show?

Steve: Research indicates that voters find me cold, selfish, and arrogant. Furthermore, they don't think I'm authentic.

Judith: At least you have incisive research.

Steve: How could they find me inauthentic? Cold, selfish, and arrogant is the real me.

Judith: You have to soften your image.

Steve: I'll hold a press conference to announce my recipe for chocolate chip cookies.

Judith: Hillary did that in 1993.

Steve: Then I'll give them my recipe for Djej Masquid Bil Beid, chicken with egg, lemon, and olives.

Judith: Arab cuisine will not play well in 2008.

Steve: I'll go for sympathy by playing the race card.

Judith: Sympathy? You're white.

Steve: I'm Irish. It's not quite the same But I might get some sympathy with the gender card.

Judith: You're a man.

Steve: The religion card?

Judith: You're an atheist. That's playing the deuce of Clubs.

Steve: Then I'll just cry.

Judith: Hillary beat you to it again. Voters want change. Try becoming the candidate of change.

Steve: I'm for change! My campaign is almost bankrupt. Spare change? Spare change?

Judith: Forget change. Tout your experience.

Steve: I've failed at everything I've tired. That's the hook. I know what doesn't work. My opponents can't make this claim.

Judith: They will if the voters like it.

Steve: So what should I do?

Judith: Why don't you just speak the truth?

Steve: Right. I'll tell voters that we should place a $2-a-gallon tax on gasoline to close the deficit, lessen our dependence on foreign oil, and decrease carbon dioxide emissions; raise the retirement age to 72 and ration health care to the dying to save Social Security and Medicare; outlaw teachers' unions to improve education; cut consumer consumption by 5 percent or sell the country to China; cap tort awards; invest hundreds of billions of dollars in crumbling infrastructure and port security and raise taxes to pay for it; and admit that there is no good option in Iraq.

Judith: Let's reconsider your recipe for chocolate chip cookies.