Budget trip for the new year: Khirghizstan
Our humorist offers a cheap alternative to last year's "staycation."
With our economy in taters and Europe so expensive, the smart crowd is vacationing in less expensive but more exotic locales. In 2009 coolsters will head to stylish Khirghizstan, where the dollar is still king.
Romantic Khirghizstan is a mixture of colorful tribal rites and late Soviet-style charm. Here one discovers the joys of the heralded Khirghiz cuisine, based on cabbage and beets, and the national drink, Koumis, fermented mare's milk.
The Khirghiz are wonderfully friendly, but few speak English. To enjoy fashionable Khirghizstan and understand its culture and people, you should master a few phrases:
| AbÈsÈnÈÙ bolso, ku/nu/m coq debe? | When will the border crossing reopen? |
| Biyirdu/u/ cigitke acalduu kiyik colug"at Kempir o/lso/. | When you get around to it — of course. How silly of me to have asked. |
| Saqta, abiyir tapsa balasÈ, atasÈna baq not. | Driver, a wheel just fell off this bus. |
| Baq u/c"u/n aq cu/r, alÈs"-beris"ke taq cu/r AbiyiriÙdi cas"ÈÙdan. | Yes, since the roads are impassable, it doesn't matter. I agree. |
| Abiyir. | Cabbage. |
| Abiyir tapsa balasÈ. | Cabbage and beets. |
| Abiyir tapsa balasÈcalayt. | Cabbage and beet soup. |
| Abiyir tapsa balasÈ colu c"ildin arÈs"Ènan qÈsqa. | A julienne of lightly seared carrots served on a bed of mesquite-roasted cabbage accompanied by a beet-and-cabbage coulis. |
| Ad abiyur taosa balasE, calduu kiyik Èrg"a qac"at? | If you are all out of cabbage and beets, what do you have? |
| "qag"a as" bÈs"Èrtpa,U?s"u/go/ngo/ ot caqtÈrba vodka. | Since it's my only choice, I'll have a bottle of vodka. |
| Acalduu kiyik adÈrg"a vodka qac"at vodka? | What is the difference between the 50-cent bottle and the 80-cent bottle? |
| Acalduu qarg"a bu/rku/t menen oynoyt? | How much longer does the temporary blindness last with the 50-cent bottle? |
| Acalduu qarg"a qolg"o tu/s"po/y qoyboyt? | Is this Kirghiz currency or used chewing gum wrappers? |
| Acalduu qarg"a torg"o tu/s"o/t Curly, Larry, or Moe? | Why does each Kirghiz bill have a portrait of either Curly, Larry, or Moe? |
| Acalduu to/o/ carda Curlys ottoyt 14.2dapay Larry, c"oc"qo aÙda Larrys ottoyt 4.37 dapay Moe. | I understand — 14.2 Curlys equal one Larry and 4.37 Larrys equal one Moe. |
| Acal menen azap qas"-qabaqtÈn ortosunda. | But I have a confirmed reservation. |
| Qayda coq,"Èqqan is"te payda yurt. | I am not sleeping in a yurt. |
| Qayda coq,"Èqqan is"te payda yurt qas"-qabaqtÈn ortosunda. | I am not sleeping in a yurt filled with camel dung. |
| Èz ooruudan ayÈg"at Coq,"Èqqan is"te payda yurt qas"-qabaqtÈn ortosunda? | How much is the yurt that is only half-filled with camel dung? |
| AcÈras"ar dos, eerdin artqÈ qas"Èn surayt dollars ar Koumiss? | What is the dollar equivalent of three quarts of fermented mare's milk? |
| AcÈras"ar tamÈr, eerdin artqÈ Ac"ta cegenCurlys, dollars quyqanÈ toqto unutpa,Toqto cegen quyqanÈ ac"ta unutpa koumis qas"Èn surayt? | I understand you don't accept Kirghiz Curlys, dollars, rubles, or credit cards, but where can I find fermented mare's milk at 10 p.m.? |
| Ac"arc"ÈlÈqta Kirghiz kemege saqtaba, Ku/u/gu/mdo/ do/bo/ Tajikstan? | Do Kirghiz men wear those silly hats because you lost a bet with Tajikistan? |
| Èla elek Yeltsin sandÈqta, BÈc"Èla elek qunduz bar? | Did Yeltsin break up the Soviet Union just to get rid of Kirghizstan? |
| Ac" bala toq baladay oynoboyt? | Where is the restroom? |
| Ac" biyden, toq it caqs"È? | Any tree in particular? |
| Es"ek attan Ac" kis"i urus"c"aaq, ArÈq qoy tÈrÈs"c"aaq ozor. | I'm sorry. I thought you were a tree. I'm temporarily blind. |
| Ac"arc"ÈlÈqta kemege saqtaba. | Calm down. It will wash out. |
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Comments:
Posted Mon, Jan 5, 6:57 a.m. inappropriate
In spite of 'Barat' style international demeaning attacks Central Asia is tops on my top ten list.
Memo to Seattle, you aren't quite so cosmopolitan as you believe. In fact, you are a rather curious example of something I'd call 'Nouveau Provincial Hillbilly'.
Grow up, being a responsible international citizen means more than just high fives with your drinking buddies and passing along trashy stories like this.
Posted Mon, Jan 5, 8:23 a.m. inappropriate
I'm so glad that in this New Year I see that writers/editors miss things like I have been known to do, at times. Thanks. And, it gave me a laugh to see that our economy is in spuds. That's the best thing it's been accused of being "in" in a while.
Posted Fri, Jan 16, 4:25 p.m. inappropriate
This got passed on to me because I spent some time in Kyrgyzstan. It's really lame. Racist humor is already lame, but from a humor point of view the worse sin is that it's not funny. It's anemic.
People in other countries eat cabbage, sleep in camel dung, and drink cheap vodka? Come on. I can take a joke about Kyrgyzstan, and I can make a few of them too, but at the core of that kind of humor there has to be some thing a little deeper than glancing at the Wikipedia entry. If you've actually been there, then this piece is all the more tragic if this is the best you could do with the source material. There's a lot of legitimate humor to be found in most any cross-cultural situation without resorting to lazy, lazy stereotypes concerning poor countries. Don't defend yourself with the "I was making fun of the people who travel to other countries and expect to find a Hilton" explanation. It wasn't that clever.
Who's your editor on this piece? Are they really that hard up for material on this site that this would be considered worth-while or do you have some kind of blackmail material to hold over them? I hope that you are contributing to the world in your unhumorous life, because this is embarrassing.
Posted Mon, Jan 19, 4:11 p.m. inappropriate
What an obnoxious article. I worked in Kyrgyzstan for two years, and I can assure you that there's not much humor in the poverty and alcoholism you find out in the countryside. Yes, many people don't have access to indoor plumbing. What a riot! During the winter, many folks eat a fairly monotonous diet of potatoes, beets and cabbage. Hilarious! Kyrgyz men wear distinctive hats, and the nation's currency features images of prominent artists and statesmen. Comic gold!
My advice is to actually learn a bit of Kyrgyz and take a vacation there. There's tons of good hiking, the people are nice, and a lot of the food is awesome.
Again, what a lame, lazy, offensive article.
Posted Tue, Jan 20, 1:16 a.m. inappropriate
Dear WanderK and shamalbek,
Stop your whining. Your pretentious, overly sensitive attitudes are ridiculous on a humor site. Oh boo hoo, poor little Kyrgyzstan is getting ragged on in an internet column. Grow up. If the article had said "Come to France where the women don't shave their armpits and everyone hates you!" you wouldn't have said dick.
Say the article was lame or not funny or poorly written if you found it so, but leave your wannabe defender of the masses pulpit on your blog. Nobody cares except your grandma and that crazy bitch in North Dakota who can't stop commenting on every entry you post.
And for the record, Kyrgyzstan IS a sweet country. Bu it doesn't need you whiners to stick up for it.
Posted Tue, Jan 27, 6 p.m. inappropriate
I thought it was funny ... silly me.