Humor: Guardian angels smooth things over

In Catholic Sunday School, I was taught I had a guardian angel. Only Catholics had guardian angels. Protestants didn't need them since they had money and the country club.

I have not heard much from my guardian angel lately. Where was she a year ago when I was investing in emerging markets?

Concerned, I consulted the Web site Catholic-pages.com, which reports:

The Church teaches clearly that each of us, throughout our earthly lives, from conception to death, are accompanied, protected and assisted by a personal guardian angel appointed by God.

Here are some great stories I've heard about guardian angels.

• You should send your guardian angel ahead of you to smooth things over when you're going into a meeting where you're afraid the person you're meeting might be angry or anxious, to put them in the right frame of mind! Works all the time!
• I know many people who have given their guardian angels names and converse with them often.
• If you fall asleep while praying (e.g., the Rosary) your guardian angel completes your prayer on your behalf.
• Women have the protection of their own guardian angels, but also the guardian angels of all the children they will have until the individual children are conceived. (No wonder women are so holy!)
• You can send your guardian angel to someone else's aid if they need special protection.

These stories explain my guardian angel's inactivity. I never gave her a name, never conversed with her, and never sent her to help people who clearly need special protection — Dick Cheney, Britney Spears, Rod Blagojevich, etc.

Worse, I never gave her a chance to complete my prayers.

I realized it was time to reform, beginning with my giving her a name. I didn't want a name that is too popular. There will be confusion with all the guardian angels named Emily, Emma, or Madison. Then again, I didn't want other angels teasing her on account of an unusual name.

Names ranking between 23 and 26 in popularity seemed appropriate. This produced the options of Sydney, Chloe, Megan, and Jasmine.

Then I discovered that none of these were names of Catholic saints.

Not wanting to insult her with a heathen name, I consulted the unquestionable authority on hagiography, Catholic.org, for names of female saints.

There was not much to choose from. For example, here are all the W's:

Walburga
Wastrada
Werburg
Wiborada
Wilfretrudis
Wilfrida
Wilgefortis
Wiltrudis
Winebald
Winifred
Withburga
Wivina
Wulfhilda

These are not the Valkyries and Rhine maidens in "The Ring Cycle." These are all the Catholic female saints whose name begins with a W. As Dave Barry says, I am not making this up. Check for yourself.   I finally chose the name Marie Croissy, after a sainted Carmelite nun executed during the French Revolution. I liked the name's cosmopolitan overtones.

Headed to an audit committee meeting, I asked Marie Croissy "to smooth things over" with Mr. Bernstein, the auditor, and put him "in the right frame of mind."

Marie Croissy replied that wasn't necessary because Mr. Bernstein was sending his guardian angel to smooth things over with me.

"How can he have a guardian angel?" I objected. "He's Jewish."

"Where have you been? Since Vatican II everyone gets a guardian angel regardless of religion," Marie Croissy answered.

"So who is he sending?"

"He's sending Jasmine."

"There is no Saint Jasmine," I protested. "I've done my homework."

"You need a saint's name only if you were raised Catholic. Otherwise, you can choose any name you want. Today we have guardian angels named Khadija, Madison, and LaKeisha. Diversity is now one of our core values."