Memo: AIG bonus paperwork due today!

Attached is your AIG BONUS APPLICATION. Please complete and return.

AIG will pay bonuses only to retain top talent.

I am top talent _______

Unless I receive an eye-popping bonus, I will go to work for Lehman, Bear Stearns, or Merrill _______

I. REQUESTED BONUS AMOUNT (circle one)

$10,000,000

$5 ,000,000

$1,000,000

Chump change

II. PERFORMANCE

Divisional — Last year my division lost:

Over $50 billion

Between $10 billion and $50 billion

Between $1 billion and $10 billion

Chump change

Individual

Over $10 billion

Between $5 billion and $10 billion

Between $1 billion and $5 billion

Chump change

Achievements

Fogged a mirror

Located the Men’s Room

Learned to pronounce "credit default swap."

Learned to say, "I just lost another billion on credit default swaps. Tough break for taxpayers."

Justification

The most convincing rationale for taxpayers footing the bill for my bonus is:

Never give a sucker an even break

Never give a sucker an even break

Never give a sucker an even break

All of the above

III. SOURCE OF FUNDS FOR REQUESTED BONUS

First Government Bailout

Second Government Bailout

Third Government Bailout

Fourth Government Bailout

Future Government Bailouts

IV. PAYMENT

Please pay my bonus in:

Swiss Francs

Gold

Stock in companies receiving AIG counterparty payments

Hostages

NOTICE: YOUR BONUS IS CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED

The Constitution of the United States provides special protection for bonuses. Article VI Section 2 states:

The Government shall keep its greedy mitts off bonuses. Governments can skim wages, salaries, tips, fees, rents, lease payments, extortion pay-offs, bribes, inheritances, gambling winnings, proceeds from refinancing, in fact, damn near everything except bonuses.

Subsection b.2. of Article VI Section 2 explicitly proscribes limiting the size of bonuses:

This is America, not some wimpy Frog/Kraut socialist state. The sky’s is the limit for bonuses. When it comes to bonuses, anything that is not nailed down is yours, and anything you can pry up is not nailed down. Hey, you get what you pay for. Right?”

Clarification: The phrase, "you get what you pay for" has been interpreted to protect "all forms of bonus payments designed to retain top talent."