Memo: AIG bonus paperwork due today!
Please use black ink and Montblanc fountain pen only
By Steve Clifford
March 20, 2009.
Attached is your AIG BONUS APPLICATION. Please complete and return.
ELIGIBILITY CERTIFICATION
AIG will pay bonuses only to retain top talent.
To be eligible for a bonus please initial the following two statements:
I am top talent _______
Unless I receive an eye-popping bonus, I will go to work for Lehman, Bear Stearns, or Merrill _______
I. REQUESTED BONUS AMOUNT (circle one)
$10,000,000
$5 ,000,000
$1,000,000
Chump change
II. PERFORMANCE
Divisional — Last year my division lost:
Over $50 billion
Between $10 billion and $50 billion
Between $1 billion and $10 billion
Chump change
Individual
I was personally responsible for losing:
Over $10 billion
Between $5 billion and $10 billion
Between $1 billion and $5 billion
Chump change
Achievements
Last year, I accomplished the following:
Fogged a mirror
Located the Men’s Room
Learned to pronounce "credit default swap."
Learned to say, "I just lost another billion on credit default swaps. Tough break for taxpayers."
Justification
The most convincing rationale for taxpayers footing the bill for my bonus is:
Never give a sucker an even break
Never give a sucker an even break
Never give a sucker an even break
All of the above
III. SOURCE OF FUNDS FOR REQUESTED BONUS
First Government Bailout
Second Government Bailout
Third Government Bailout
Fourth Government Bailout
Future Government Bailouts
IV. PAYMENT
Please pay my bonus in:
Swiss Francs
Gold
Stock in companies receiving AIG counterparty payments
Hostages
NOTICE: YOUR BONUS IS CONSTITUTIONALLY PROTECTED
The Constitution of the United States provides special protection for bonuses. Article VI Section 2 states:
The Government shall keep its greedy mitts off bonuses. Governments can skim wages, salaries, tips, fees, rents, lease payments, extortion pay-offs, bribes, inheritances, gambling winnings, proceeds from refinancing, in fact, damn near everything except bonuses.
Subsection b.2. of Article VI Section 2 explicitly proscribes limiting the size of bonuses:
This is America, not some wimpy Frog/Kraut socialist state. The sky’s is the limit for bonuses. When it comes to bonuses, anything that is not nailed down is yours, and anything you can pry up is not nailed down. Hey, you get what you pay for. Right?”
Clarification: The phrase, "you get what you pay for" has been interpreted to protect "all forms of bonus payments designed to retain top talent."