1. Spend more time with friends and family.
2. Spend less time with assholes.
3. Resolve the conflict between Resolutions 1 and 2.
4. Return all of Obama’s phone calls within three days.
5. Act appropriately, unless sober.
6. Each morning give thanks, that for an entire day, no one will complain to me about salary.
7. Each evening, repeat ten times, “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness, but better still to curse the candle.”
8. Accept that I will never win an argument with my wife.
9. Study the differences between Obama’s Fascist Socialism and Obama’s Socialist Fascism.
10. Don’t text while driving, operating earth moving equipment, or having sex.
11. Slow down: Take time to smell the colors, see the music, hear the roses.
12. Bribe Blackwater to perform extraordinary rendition on Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, and Rush Limbaugh.
13. Investigate why the Gates Foundation refused to fund my grant to research whether one could get a bad meal in Tuscany.
14. Investigate why, once again, the McArthur Foundation, failed to give me a genius grant while recognizing Mixed Media Artist Mark Bradford “for incorporating ephemera from urban environments into richly textured, abstract compositions that evoke a multitude of metaphors.”
15. Cease reading whenever if I encounter the words “South Waziristan” or “North Waziristan.” Ditto for House Minority Leader John Boehner, the King County Council, and the Middle East peace process.
16. Blame all my failings on technical problems, El Niño, or the dog. Failing this, admit, “Mistakes were made.”
17. Grow more brown and less grey hair; otherwise age resentfully.
18. Consider stopping at yellow lights.
19. Consider stopping at red lights.
20. If convenient: Save money, reduce debt, lose weight, control emotions, reduce stress, and get in shape.
21. If convenient and profitable: Give thy thoughts no tongue. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment. Neither a borrower, nor lender be. This above all: to thine own self be true.
22. If convenient, profitable, and expedient: Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law.
23. Identify one or more societies where I would not be considered abnormal.
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