Humor: What country should we invade next?
Our next target ought to be as different from Afghanistan as possible. One country perfectly fits the template.
National Park Service
George Santayana famously warned, “Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” With that in mind, I turn to the pressing question: What countries should America invade in the future? How should we wage war and govern them after a swift victory? Let us apply the lesson we learned form the quagmires of Iraq and Afghanistan.
What Country To Invade?
1. Invade a homogeneous country. In Iraq we got caught up in the Sunni-Shea-Kurd nonsense. Who knew they couldn’t get along? In Afghanistan we discovered that the Pashtunen don’t like the Uzbeks, Hazara, Baluch, Aimaq, Kirghiz, Wakhi, Fariwan, Nuristani, Brahui, Tajik, Turkmen, Oizilbasj, and Kabuli. This is should be no surprise because in Afghanistan nobody likes anybody outside of their own extended family.By contrast, we enjoyed great success invading homogeneous countries such as Germany, Japan, and Grenada. There are many homogeneous countries to choose from: France, Italy, and the Scandinavian nations immediately spring to mind.
2. Avoid religion. No more fanatically suicide bombers from the Taliban and Al Qaeda: Let’s stick with countries that play by the rules. Our next invasion must be a country that does not take religion seriously. By many measures, France, Scandinavia, and the Baltic Republics are the least religious countries in the world today.
3. Be sure they have WMD’s. You cannot trust the CIA when they tell you what you have instructed them to tell you. To be sure of finding WMD’s we should invade one of the known members of the nuclear club: Russia, China, Britain, France, India, or Pakistan.
4. Fight in a temperate climate. US Armed Forces have been trained to fight in temperate climates. Why make war elsewhere? Iraq experiences some of the highest temperatures in the world. Scorching heat is often augmented by an irritating dusty wind, the shamal, causing heat exhaustion and heatstroke.
Afghanistan rivals Houston for the worst climate in the world. In a single day temperatures can go from freezing at dawn to the 90s at noon. Annually, The Mountains receive more than 40 inches of precipitation, mostly as snow. Frontal winds sweep in from the west bringing large sandstorms or dust storms, while the strong solar heating of the ground raises large local whirlwinds.
France, with its generally temperate climate, homogeneous population, and absence of religion, appears to be the perfect country to invade. According to the CIA, we will be greeted as liberators by the disaffected Monarchists, Vichyites, Jacobins, Girondists, Orleanists, and Bonapartists.
How to Wage War and Govern After Victory.
1. Have powerful allies. In Afghanistan and Iraq we lack powerful and committed allies. In Iraq “the coalition of the willing,” aka “coalition of the bribed,” comprised Armenia, Moldova, Iceland, and the Gambino Family. All withdrew troops by 2005 except for the Gambino Family, who began operating under the name Blackwater. In Afghanistan, NATO nations have supplied cheerleading.
Were we to invade France, we could count on support from her traditional enemies — Germany, Great Britain, Italy, and Canada. The military plan is already in place. Germany could replay the 1914 Schlieffen plan while the US, Britain, and Canada land on the beaches of Normandy. Sensing opportunity, Italy could repeat its invasion of 1940. It would be a race to see who surrenders first.
2. Have a compelling doctrine. In Iraq we employed Bush doctrine — Piss me off and I’ll unilaterally kick your ass and then send in a bunch of twenty-something Bible School graduates to privatize social security, outlaw stem cell research, and preach abstinence-only sex education. This doctrine failed to resonate.
Afghanistan witnessed the evolution of the more nuanced Obama Doctrine — Send enough troops to keep it really close for 18 months until you pull them out. This has also failed to resonate.
Our war fighting doctrine should be: Win, but not too fast. Bush told Time magazine in 2004, “Had we to do it over again, we would look at the consequences of catastrophic success, being so successful, so fast, that an enemy that should have surrendered or been done in, escaped and lived to fight another day.” To avoid winning too fast, we should invade France during the short window where the French Army is not engaged in contract negotiations, job actions, or strikes.
3. Quickly establish a competent government to win the hearts and minds of the people. In Iraq, de-Bathification ousted all competent government employees. In Afghanistan we backed a corrupt tribal faction.
Today, only French cabinet ministers change when a new government is formed. Therefore, we can rely on a competent staff of civil servant to implement our new policies. We will not need to engage in nation building. We already know how to fix most of France’s problems — economic slowdowns, banking crisis, immigration, political gridlock, and health care costs.
4. Have an idealistic and moralistic purpose that all Americans can embrace. The biggest problem with the French is that they are Un-American. The women are well dressed, svelte, and know how to tie scarves. The men prefer intellectual theorizing to NASCAR. France coddles their citizens with universal health care, long vacations, and job security. They think food is more important than Tea Parties.
Think what would happen if we installed US-style free-market capitalism there. This could be a real game changer, transforming the entire European Union. Think of France with long work weeks and short vacations, a fifth of the nation lacking health insurance, little job security, lousy food, obesity, and the top 1 percent having more income than the bottom 95 percent. France then would look a lot like the France of 1788. We could even bring back Louis XXVII.
Like what you just read? Support high quality local journalism. Become a member of Crosscut today!
Twitter
Facebook
RSS Feeds
Comments:
Posted Sun, Feb 14, 12:05 a.m. Inappropriate
Somebody should do one of them colorful needle-point 'stitch poems' that you hang on the wall. Title it "What country should we invade next?" followed by "France of course" and some of Steve's logic. Put it in a frame and hang it up in the bathroom. Send a complimentary print to Rush Limbaugh to hang it next to his bed so he may guide his dreams of pleasantry. Send a print to Pat Robertson who may find an unholy connection between Haiti voodoo and French preferrence for black attire solidly established forever back in 1758. Kudso, Steve! Rockaboogie!
Posted Sun, Feb 14, 10:58 a.m. Inappropriate
I'm sorry Steve if my 'artisty' words if they have offended regular readers. It's really a great article worth broader publication. You're an accomplished writer. I just wanted to carry forward the literary licence to write creatively. Edit out "Kudso Steve Rocaboogie" I regret only them as 'off character' of the entire body. Enjoy your creative streak and save everything.
I'm requesting Governor Gregoire support seawall replacement sooner rather than later. You'd think it would be obvious, but noOooo. Honchos too busy studying deep-bore instead of projects needing to be done sooner, studies that shouldn't come after contracts have been signed. Maybe we should think about redirecting studies to the seawall? Maybe?
Question: If the wood pile 'forest' under A.W. must be removed to stabilize fill, is cut/cover mess unavoidable?
I'm really sorry, everyone, for my anger at what I fearfully consider engineers who aren't worth their salt. Some things OK, others terribly poor design work IMO.
Monorail still possible. Consider "single-track loop", adjusted route, (waterfront/4th)(ExpositionHall to Westlake-Belltown then KOMO double-track and single-track circle around Center (5th-Mercer-Key Plaza then {C/c} to Center House basement beneath Thomas). This single-track Loop can extend south or north leg via Westlake/SPU separately. Monorail supporters are out there. You phonies don't really want to show your cards and I am sincerely concerned for the good people of Seattle and surrounding cities. Write something or admit you have nothing to say. Just the a-man warning evryone that Washington DOTs are rapidly failing. Nothing ready to go after freakin 10 years? How do you spell FaiLure? Please believe me, a {C/c} is the better AWV Replacement engineering. They will thank you, Mike. :^)
Posted Sun, Feb 14, 11:01 a.m. Inappropriate
You people don't really want to show your cards. I am sincerely concerned for the good people of Seattle and surrounding cities. Write something or admit you have nothing to say. I'm warning everyone that Washington DOTs are rapidly failing. How can nothing ready to go after 10 freakin years? How do you spell failure? Please believe me, a {C/c} Tunnel is the better AWV Replacement engineering. They Will thank you, Mike. :^)
Posted Sun, Feb 14, 3:36 p.m. Inappropriate
Wells votes for invading Olympia.
Posted Sun, Feb 14, 6:48 p.m. Inappropriate
No, just investigate WSDOT and their cohorts in SDOT. What does it take to get Seatters to rethink the deep-bore vs cut/cover? Uuh, smart pills? Hey Mike. A free man weighs in. Poor Lower Queen Anne. Maybe 10,000 more cars and trucks a day up steep Mercer Place hill to access the deep-bore portal at Aurora and 6th. Nobody wants to stand up for that gracious neighborhood, big park n' everything.
Posted Sun, Feb 14, 8:18 p.m. Inappropriate
Well, I guess there'll be no takers today. Olympics to watch. Great athlete performance. Get a grip, Seattlers. Your road planner's jobs are on the chopping block. Crunican first to go, nevermind the good work done on show jobs, and more to come.
Unacceptable work by WSDOT, year after year. SDOT will turn Mercer into a freight corridor to serve their latest deep-bore mistake. Oh no. We don't want the strongest seawall with cut/cover, even with sea rise and more furious Waters? You guys gotta be out of your minds. Ignore the cut-cover? 'Tunnelite' can be a terrific SR99 rebuild. Digging up the ground below Alaskan Way may be Inevitable anyway.
Dear Mayor Mike, Do you agree much of my assessments? I would like to get your opinion on that which we can agree on. I'm clearly the best engineer-type on this board. Your department heads know my work, but do not give results of any honest consideration I'm sure many had. City Hall planners did learn some things from Portland. It feels like I had to drag them kickingandscreaming against their will to pay attention to urban design.
I have a hard time with environmentalists who agree with such decisions as the streetcar running down the middle of the 'wide plaza'. Miniscule consideration for baby buggies there. How about kids running? Kids like to do that. Oops, land on a slippery rail? And believe me, the deep-bore is not the better tunnel choice. Use your brain. List advantages C/c has over D-Boor.
Seattle is ideal for trolleybus technology. The hill climbing advantage is lost with a hybrid fleet. I've designed a trolleybus system for Seattle Proper (LowerQueenAnne to Lake Union to FirstCapitol Hills to International and in all between. SDOT won't let you see them.
Basicly, the design electrifies 15 east/west streets that radiate from the waterfront between Jackson and Denny. The design reducses current overhead wiring for bypass and multiple turns at intersections. It Will Reduce Overhead Wire! The advantage with trolleybus is hillclimbing. Seattle has too many steep hills to 'not favor' the economics that favors trolleybus. Metro wants diesel-hybrid. Metro riders would rather have new low-floor electric trolleybuses. What's to argue with that? The secret to the design is that the routes are 'Circulators'. I know, you don't like 'Sirkulators' - but you don't know why. You should see the latest single-track circulator monorail design I've amended from the Blue Line. I call it the "Tourmaline Line." Go Go Go Go GO GO GO GgoOOO...
"T U N N E L I T E"
Gregoire should support starting seawall replacement sooner rather than later. Its studys for some reason, are not ready? Hm? The thing that has to be done first doesn't get studied until last. That's very curious? People's Waterfront Coalition have contributed great inspiration for Seattle's waterfront future. It's too bad they weren't invited to the actual planning afficionado inner-circle. Seattlers have all been duped by leaders who should know better, (being roadbuilders after all), but the years of overplanning and starting nothing plans are continually mediocre, even dreadful. Truck corridor through Lower Queen Anne?
Posted Mon, Feb 15, 9:34 a.m. Inappropriate
Texas needs invading, lots and lots of oil!
Posted Mon, Feb 15, 10:33 a.m. Inappropriate
The Blackwater corporation is scheduled to takeover America within the decade.
Posted Mon, Feb 15, 10:59 a.m. Inappropriate
That's one way to get universal health care, but the French should invade us, their negative balance of trade is nowhere near as negative that of the last-place-by-far U.S.'
Posted Wed, Feb 17, 11:04 p.m. Inappropriate
Obama Looks to Pump $3 Billion More Into Education, Get your share get Medical Assistant Degree from http://ow.ly/18uCo
Posted Thu, Feb 18, 3:08 a.m. Inappropriate
Please don't overlook Switzerland. They are "sheltering" Roman Polanski and I want his villa in Gstaad.
Login or register to add your voice to the conversation.