Modern marriage: Have we lost its seriousness?
Weddings featuring internet-licensed ministers, failed comedy acts, and vows that have more charm than commitment, these are few of the problems that can happen when the meaning of marriage is shunted to the side.
More weddings are being led, or officiated, these days by a friend of the bride or groom who when asked said, "Sure, why not?" That friend ordered some sort of minister license on line for the occasion. Or maybe it's someone who has set up a small sideline business doing weddings? I'm sure this works out well sometimes, but lately I've been hearing stories of it not working out so great.
There was the young man, cast as presider, who spent most of his part of the service talking neither about marriage nor the couple, but about himself. He pondered how ridiculous it was that he, of all people, was presiding at a wedding. Of that, he apparently convinced most everyone. Then there was the gal who seemed to be auditioning for a spot as a stand-up comedian. Generally, the lament I'm hearing is that the wedding service gets trivialized. To be sure, there's a great party but not much else. It can seem at such a wedding as if, "there’s no there there," as Gertrude Stein famously remarked of Oakland.
I thought of these bewildered laments from recent wedding guests as I read Sunday’s "Modern Love" essay in The New York Times. The author and her husband found themselves facing some tough challenges as death and illness drew close to them.
The writer, Jenny Browne, recalled the vows she and her husband had written for their wedding service: "We drove out to the Hill Country for the weekend and wrote vows that included funny bits about who would make the coffee, and feed the cat, and not lose their keys, but we didn't actually say for better or for worse, or discuss what we'd do when better became worse. Had I allowed myself to believe that we'd be exempt from the hard parts?”
While humor is great and has its place, I suspect that we yuck it up overly much because we're nervous — and rightly so. Something important is going on here. Something momentous. If we can't quite admit that and lack the rituals to guide us through it, we're tempted to laugh it up or laugh it off. We pretend it's no big deal. But marriage is a big deal.
Why exactly is it a big deal? What’s the big deal?
When I presided at a lovely wedding recently, I pondered the meaning of the word, "vow," and of the odd and ancient act of "making a vow." A vow, I noted, is "an earnest promise or pledge that binds one to perform a specified act or behave in a certain manner." A wedding service, is in essence, a time of making, or if you will, taking vows. It is all about making promises. We wrap it up in lace, music and flowers. But bottom line, it's making a promise. It's promising ourselves.
And what is it that is promised? On this recent occasion I drew attention to the words that I as the minister would shortly address to the bride and the groom. Those words were, "D., will you love A. faithfully as long as you both shall live?" I asked the couple, and the congregation, to note what the service and vows did say and what they did not say.
What they did not say was, "Do you love one another?" I would not ask, "D., do you love A.?" and "A., do you love D.?"
"No," I said, "We assume that. We assume that you love one another. What we're asking, what you are vowing, is something harder, bolder and better. We're asking, 'Will you love D.?' "Will you love A.?' Here love is defined not only as a feeling. It is a choice and a commitment. 'I will love you faithfully as long as we both shall live.' To make that promise, to make that vow, is serious business.
"This," I continued, "is an extraordinary promise, an amazing vow, one that will ask of you courage, commitment and character. Moreover, none of us can fulfill such a vow and promise without a great deal of help. All of us here today, surrounding you now and witnessing your vows, also promise by our presence and our words to help you make good on this promise, this vow. We call, as well, upon God and the divine grace to enable you to fulfill your promises.
"And because we shall, at times, fail, marriage also comes with this label attached: 'Forgiveness required, forgiveness required in frequent and generous doses.'
"But the heart of it is your promise, your vow, your pledge to one another and to yourself. 'I will love you faithfully so long as we both shall live.' Awesome! Moreover, the capacity to give our word, to make promises and to fulfill them in lives of faithfulness and love, is a good part of the meaning and dignity of being a human being."
That’s what, or some of what, I said at one recent wedding. There was laughter and joy aplenty, but there was also something serious because marriage isn't a laughing matter. The old vows, "for better or worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and health," knew this. In dignifying the occasion, they reminded us of our own dignity as people capable of committing ourselves to something that isn't easy but is important.
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Comments:
Posted Thu, Dec 2, 8:28 a.m. Inappropriate
Excellent article with great points. But, as an "Internet ordained" officiant, I take issue to your branding all of us with the same brush.
Having suffered through weddings with "official" ministers taking advantage of the opportunity to save each guest and provide them with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ (one even had an altar-call!), I work hard to come up with a very personal service (not just something out of a church book), with meaningful vows. Everything is printed for the Bride, Groom and their families to have so that they can remember what actually happened and what was said. Many people have commented that the weddings where I perform my services were the most meaningful and beautiful they've witnessed. Must be working.
But you're right - it's the Officiant's job to make sure this happens and is done well.
Posted Thu, Dec 2, 8:54 a.m. Inappropriate
One even needs to ask this question?
With divorce and illegitimacy being reduced to "personal decisions", unassailable in the public domain, it's pretty hard to see the need why marriage should be considered any more "special".
Posted Thu, Dec 2, 9:24 a.m. Inappropriate
Agreed 100% with Kenttraveler. People turn to friends because their experience has shown them they can't trust traditional clergy not to have an axe (or several) to grind or to make their ceremony a platform for pushing a personal agenda other than their marriage. These are by far the worst ceremonies I've attended, where ministers decided to take this one opportunity of an audience that rarely goes to church to rant for ages like humorless Andy Rooneys about the state of the world and our souls. One spent forty five minutes complaining about the state of celebrity marriages, including the phrase "it's just about collecting sexual favors", at the ceremony of a couple who doesn't even watch TV.
For these poor couples, these bitter, humorless old men make themselves the centerpiece, and become what everyone, sadly, remembers about the ceremony. I'm sure it happens sometimes with friend officiants as well, but it seems to happen much less often in my experience.
Posted Thu, Dec 2, 1:06 p.m. Inappropriate
". 'I will love you faithfully as long as we both shall live.' To make that promise, to make that vow, is serious business."
Lets get serious here. Marriages fail for all kinds of reasons, financial, straying, abuse, etc. You can't be serious to ask someone to continue the marriage when the other person falls so far off the cliff as to pull both people into the pit are you? That's nuts.
We should be asking not only will the couple promise to love each other, but will they resist the temptations of self & family destruction? Will they help each other in that goal? Are you willing to do more than what you perceive to be 50% of the effort? Is this a partnership you will work at? Everyday? Even at 2am when you have work to do at 5am? When it is not convenient?
We do our kids no service when we idealize marriage on TV and don't let them in on the secret that it's hard work. Yet for many of then, it will be worth it.
Posted Thu, Dec 2, 2:35 p.m. Inappropriate
Hmm. I was one of those that had a friend become an officiant online. My friend is neither religious, nor serious in his nature. But he darn well performed his duty as we reqeusted, and there was one "chuckle" moment (which, with a nervous bride and groom standing in front of him, was sorely needed) thrown in as well.
Marriage is as good as the participants make it. If my toaster had performed my cerimony I would still be as in love with and committed to my wife as I am today. Had my friend started messing things up, I would have quietly and firmly put him in his place. But I went in knowing what I wanted, and who I trusted to do it.
Blame not the officiant.
Posted Thu, Dec 2, 2:38 p.m. Inappropriate
Can anyone explain to me the difference between Gay Marriage and Polygamy?
Posted Thu, Dec 2, 3:13 p.m. Inappropriate
Douglas,
Gay marriages have better planners and are 62% more likely to have an ice sculpture.
Posted Fri, Dec 3, 11:12 p.m. Inappropriate
The role of the families is often understated as well. There's a reason that weddings are large, public ceremonies with so many families and friends together. The vows are not just vows to oneself, or to the spouse, or to God, but also to all of one's family and friends and all of the spouse's family and friends. We also seem to have gone to a more atomistic view of our relationships, that the decisions we make have no real impact on anyone else.
Posted Sat, Dec 4, 9:59 a.m. Inappropriate
Amen to all this.
It's all there in the vows - for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health - marriage is work. Finding Mr. Right (or Miss Right) and having a fancy wedding/reception is not the end game, it's the beginning of a long journey.
I recall a celebrity once saying "Oh, I would never stay married if it was work." Naturally, he had been married more than once.
But people evolve and a marriage needs to as well. You can't neglect it or take it for granted or cross your fingers and hope it gets better. You can't underestimate the effect of having children on a marriage, for good and for bad. There's more work (and a whole lot of joy).
I've been married 27 years (I say that and wonder where the time went). We have had our ups and downs but I can honestly say that I have something deeper and more meaningful and more wonderful now than the day I married my husband. We have a commitment that is more real than any ring on my finger. It carries us and sustains us in our daily lives.
It is worth it.
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