The Pentagon and the Obama administration are heatedly debating the weaponization of Larry Summers.
Pentagon hawks, led by Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, are pushing to weaponize Summers by January 2013. "Larry Summers is the most destructive force on earth," Gen. Dempsey stated. "This is the is a guy who wrecked the American economy, Obama's first term, and Harvard. A weaponized Summers will assure our continued military superiority."
According to highly placed military sources, weaponization would employ drones to beam Summers' DNA at foreign leaders. Such leaders would begin thinking and acting like Larry Summers, causing ruinous social and economic chaos.
The White House finds itself in a delicate position. It understands the devastating potential of a weaponized Summers. However, it worries that the introduction of Summers-class weapons could precipitate a new arms race and political instability.
"Weaponizing Summers would represent a quantum leap in arms technology, equivalent to the making of the atomic bomb and the invention of gunpowder," warned Obama advisor David Axelrod.
"Remember, we are not the only country that possesses individuals with potentially crippling power. What if the Brits weaponized Prince Charles? They could turn any nation in into a bunch of jug-eared twits who dream of becoming Tampons."
Obama reportedly worries about "blowback" and the unintended consequences of a weaponized Summers. "Suppose we weaponized Kim Kardashian to make foreign leaders self-serving publicity addicts and narcissistic egomaniacs," Axelrod asked. "Initially we could not tell if a weaponized Kardashian was effective since almost all foreign leaders are already self-serving publicity addicts and narcissistic egomaniacs. Then we would face the blowback and unintended consequences of Angela Merkel, Kim Jongun, and Supreme Iranian leader Ali Khamenei releasing sex tapes of themselves."
Obama will likely postpone the decision on weaponizing Larry Summers until after the November election. "He does not want to allow Romney to counterpunch by pledging to weaponize George W. Bush, Rush Limbaugh, or the entire Fox News Network," Axelrod confided.
Like what you just read? Support high quality local journalism. Become a member of Crosscut today!