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Flip Side: How would Jesus vote?

It's all there, sorta, in the New Testament.
Jesus cleansing the temple: out, you dastardly government bureaucrats!

Jesus cleansing the temple: out, you dastardly government bureaucrats!

How would Jesus vote? To energize its base of evangelical and born-again Christians, the Republican National Committee has asked that question.

The RNC then answers by providing 12 passages from the New Testament that clearly indicate that Jesus would vote a straight Republican ticket, and that no sticky Mormon issues get in the way.

1. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink...I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me. Therefore I had no incentive to take personal responsibility for my life and I slipped into the 47 percent who believe they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. (Matthew 25:35-40)

2. What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his favorite assault weapon? (Mark 8:36)

3. And they come to Jerusalem: and Jesus went into the government bureaucracy, and began to cast out them that made oppressive rules and job-killing directives, and overthrew the tables of the government regulators. (Mark 11:15)

4. So the last shall be last, and the first shall remain first. For redistribution is the greatest of all sins. (Matthew 20:16)

5. It is easier for a camel to get through a needle's eye than for an illegal immigrant to enter into God's reign. (Matthew 19:24)

6. Consider the hedge fund managers, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (Matthew 6:28)

7. Dire is your plight, you Keynesians, since you....seal up men's access to the heaven's reign....devour the inheritance of widows...scour sea and land to acquire on adherent and then make him twice as fit for hell as you are." (Matthew 32: 16)

8. You cannot serve both God and Planned Parenthood. (Luke. 16:13)

9. Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must pass the Tea party litmus tests on abortion, stem cell research, global warming, and repeal of the 16th Amendment." (Luke 9:23)

10. When you pray, be not like the pretenders, who prefer to pray in the synagogues and in the public square, in the sight of others. In truth I tell you, that is all the profit they will have. But you, when you pray, go to nearest public school. That is where prayer belongs. (Matthew 6:5-6).

11. Happy you who are the 1 percent, for heaven's reign is yours...But dire your plight, you who are the 99 percent, for your time of comfort is over. And don't even get me started on the 47 percent who pay no income taxes. (Luke 6:20-24)

12. You must love supply side economics with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second is equally important: Love tax cuts as yourself. (Matthew 22:38)

Steve Clifford writes humor for Crosscut. He is the author of the recently published political satire, Fools and Knaves. In his unhumorous life, he was CEO of King Broadcasting and once played a role in saving New York City from bankruptcy.


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Comments:

Posted Tue, Sep 25, 9:53 a.m. Inappropriate

The "About the Author" description is incorrect; it's not humor. It's boorish, offensive and blatantly partisan drivel.

Posted Wed, Sep 26, 6:09 a.m. Inappropriate

Sixteen years of Catholic schooling, and I don't remember any of this.

Posted Wed, Sep 26, 7:11 a.m. Inappropriate

Greg Shaw finds this funny? How about a humorous article on how the Prophet Mohammad would vote? I'll bet that would be a real chuckle fest. What about President Obama's 12 favorite passages from Black Liberation Theology teachings as presented by Reverand Wright?

Cameron

Posted Sun, Sep 30, 4:43 p.m. Inappropriate

Hey, there are people who thought this was DAMNED funny. Of course, they probably think the same thing about Garrison Keillor and Bill Maher, but still...

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