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I would like to announce my candidacy for mayor

Credit: Thinkstock

Dear current resident,

So, you’re thinking of running for mayor! Our sincere congratulations! Running for political office is both a sacrifice and a commitment, and we’re pleased to see that so very many of our fellow citizens are interested in public service. So very, very many.

That said, the overworked (and underpaid) political journalists of this fine city have other things to cover besides your mayoral announcement. Really, there is a lot going on. And so, in order to save us all a little bit of time, please fill out the following survey:



Party Affiliation (circle one):
Republican (kidding!)
People’s Party
Cascadian Separatist
MAGA (kidding again!)

Occupation (circle one):
Current Seattle Mayor
Former Seattle Mayor
State Senator
Former State Senator (disgraced)
Jeff Bezos

Your top three priorities (circle three):
Cost of living
Climate change
Equity and justice
Tax reform
Noise pollution
Helmet law reform
Rainbow crosswalks
Affordable lunch options
Public vaping
Moving to Tacoma

Your Seattle roots are so deep that your ancestors (circle one):
Were in the Denny party.
Were killed by the Denny party.

How do you feel about Amazon? (Circle one.)
Love it! The UPS driver got a hernia delivering cases of La Croix to my house.
Hate it! I do use my in-laws’ Prime but only to watch Transparent.

Fill in the blank:

I stand _______(adverb) here before you with _______ (spouse’s name), my husband/wife/partner/lover of _______ years, to announce my candidacy for mayor of Seattle. I chose here, _______ (location), because as a _____ (adjective) child in Seattle, I first _______ (formative experience) right here. It was here where I first fell in love with Seattle’s land and its people.

This is the _______ (superlative) city in the world! Where else can you see _______ (water feature), _______ (mountain range) and world-class _______ (cultural event) all in a day? Plus, the _______ (weather condition) keeps us _______ (adjective). And we have to be _______ (adjective) these days. Because, with the rising cost of _______ (noun), the terrible problem with _______ (noun), and the fight for _______ (noun), we do have problems in this _______ (adjective) city.

But with me as your mayor, with my years of experience as a _______ (occupation), we are going to fight for this city’s most _______ (adjective) citizens, and we are going to do it together.

“Go ________ (sports team)!”


Thank you for filling out this brief survey. Please attach any campaign material and a photograph of you and your family standing in front of a Craftsman bungalow. Remember, this is a sign that democracy is alive and well — at least in this Washington.

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