Time to call the legal dream team

I had the unprepared-for-exam dream again last night.

Reviewing old transcripts, Columbia University determined I had insufficient credits for graduation.

I should have responded, "Why don't you focus on more important issues, such as why your football team always losses to Wellesley?"

But in my dream, I meekly return to New York and register for a seminar in Chinese law. And then I forget I have registered for this course until a day before the final!

Registering for five courses and forgetting one is understandable. I did this in my junior year. But registering for a single course and forgetting it verges on irresponsibility.

In my dream, I panic. I grab a stack of books from the library and try to read them. However, I cannot concentrate because it is cold and I am wearing only underwear.

The pages are stuck together. Prying them apart, I find everything is written in medieval Swedish. Fear increases as expressions of nearby students imply my underwear needs washing.

In my dream, it now becomes exam time and I cannot find the examination room.

I thought I should see a psychiatrist. My avaricious twin brother, "Clip" Clifford, had a better idea — litigate.

"Retain ClipLegal and sue the bastards," he advised. "Remember our motto: If They Have Assets, We Have Damages."

"We have a great case," he chortled. "A callous university has arbitrarily and capriciously voided your degree. They offer no explanation and deny you due process."

"In an act of gross negligence, they allow you to register for an advanced seminar in Chinese law despite you having Chinese language skills limited to ordering moo shu pork."

"Ignoring the Americans With Disabilities Act, they make no effort to accommodate your failing memory and do not remind you of class schedules. Finally, they don't number their classrooms, so you cannot find the exam room."

"Once ClipLegal gets this case to a jury, you will end up with half the university's endowment, plus an honorary doctor of humanities."

Clip believes there is a great future in dream litigation. He went to dreamdoctor.com and found that common dreams for men (I am not making this up) include:

• Worm inside me.
• Beheaded.
• Teeth fall out.
• Sex with stepdaughter.
• Ex-lover with a beard.

He is looking for a client who dreamed of being beheaded after his teeth fell out during sex with his bearded stepdaughter, and ended up with a worm inside him. He will then sue anyone with deep pockets who has ever dealt with worms, heads, teeth, sex, daughters, ex-lovers, and beards.

• Steve Clifford writes humor for Crosscut. In his unhumorous life, he was CEO of King Broadcasting and once played a role in saving New York City from bankruptcy.