Dear UW: Here's some dough, but there are strings attached

From: Greg Palmer, Benefactor

Ladies and Gentlemen,

As you know, I am the principal funder of a scholarship for bass singers in my late father’s name. I am contemplating further donations to the Harvard Palmer Scholarship Fund—some as high as the lower three figures—but it was not until reading the Seattle Times this morning that I realized I had the opportunity to be a horse’s ass about my magnificent donations.

Until now I was just giving my money to support a worthy and beloved institution. But Ed Hansen has shown me with his strings-attached promises that I can actually become another representative of that recent Northwest phenomenon, the Bully With Money (see Allen, Paul.) So please take note of the following list of promises/demands, or you’ll see not another dime from me.

1. I pledge to donate $29.35 when the Hub starts making its own sandwiches again. Today’s Huskies should have to endure what we did. As a student forty years ago, I survived on the American Cheese/white and the Egg Salad/wheat especially, although the Tuna/white was acceptable if the Egg looked especially grotty that day. The sandwiches no longer need to be identified as “Made Fresh Daily in Hub Kitchens”—nobody ever believed that anyway.

2. You’ll get another $16.85 from me if you put up better signage in Padelford Hall. I used to get lost in there every time I went into the place, and I can’t imagine that’s changed.

3. A big $100 to rebuild the late, lamented Showboat Theatresomewhere on campus—plopped in the middle of Frosh Pond would be perfect, with Drumheller Fountain schpritzing out over the fly loft. And an extra sawbuck to dump the name Drumheller. Who was Drumheller anyway? Just a fatcat dead regent who put up the dough for the pipes. Why not honor a graduate? Like Beverly Beezus & Ramona Cleary, Frank Dune Herbert, or the Brothers Greenfields Four. Or how about Morris Day Adam White McMillin Hunt Rantz Hume Moch Fountain to honor the boys who brought the rowing Gold Medal back from Berlin in ’36? In fact, there are a lot of places on campus that could use new names, and a lot of new names to use. Who wouldn’t want to live in Bruce Lee Residence Hall and Dojo?

4. Eight bucks to disenfranchise the Phi Delts. They were always jerks.

5. Lux Sit no longer works as a motto, what with Latin being dead. Too many people think the UW is underwritten by Proctor & Gamble. The estimable Dr. Jon Gallant once suggested a new motto for his employer: MORE. Switch to that, put it over every door, and I promise to buy five Husky sweatshirts at the Bookstore.

As you will see, I’ve refrained from demanding changes in the football team, leaving that to an expert like Ed Hansen. But I’m thinking about relocating some trees and bushes. I’ll get back to you on that, as soon as I have a yard sale and raise a few dollars.

Sincerely,

Greg

• Greg Palmer is a Seattle writer and television producer who has worked in media a long time. He's best know locally for his work as a features reporter, arts and entertainment critic, and humorist at KING-TV from 1977-1990. Since, Palmer has produced numerous public-television programs for PBS and KCTS-TV in Seattle, including Vaudeville: An American Masters Special and Death: The Trip of a Lifetime. You can reach him in care of editor@crosscut.com.