Flip Side: Wisconsin voters pick their Screwors
The greatness of America is that voters (Screwees) get to pick their tormentors (Screwors). No wonder Democrats and Republicans are both pleased by the Wisconsin vote.
This month Wisconsin voters declared they would they rather be screwed by corporations and the rich than be screwed by labor unions.
Republicans were jubilant. “Given a clear choice of being screwed by either the corporations and the rich or the labor unions, Wisconsin voters overwhelmingly choose the former,” crowed Mitt Romney. “In November voters nationwide will make the same choice."
Democrats disagreed. “In Wisconsin, the trial lawyers played no role,” said Vice President Biden. “But in national election voters know with a Democratic victory they will get screwed by both the unions and the trial lawyers. The verdict in the John Edwards trials reveals that many Americans are happy to get screwed by trial lawyers.”
“For most of recorded history Screwees could not choose their Screwors,” said Dr. Fredrick Flakenbush, author of The Screwees' Guide to Voting and Elections. “The clergy and the nobility screwed the people without their consent for thousands of years. The ability to choose one’s Screwor is the triumph of American democracy.’’
Many Wisconsin voters agreed. “I accept that that I am going to get screwed. Thank God I live in America where I can vote for my preferred Screwor. Banks have screwed me for years. My bank offered me a liars loan, then foreclosed on my house, charged exorbitant fees for fraudulent paper work, and gave their CEO a $12 million bonus while their stock price tanked. I considered voting to be screwed by the labor unions, but then I learned that banks are corporations and corporations are people, so I forgave my bank. Probably just had a spat with his/her teenage kids.
“But I got pissed off when I saw the county road crew pocketing double time for working flag day while discussing fantasy football drafts during their eight-hour break. So I voted to get screwed by the usual suspects.”
In past elections third-party candidates promised that if elected, the people could get screwed by groups as diverse as librarians, poets, and retail clerks. This year, because Citizens United removed all political spending restraints on Screwors, there is no talk of a third party. In explaining the court’s decision, Justice Roberts wrote, “The Constitution’s original intent was that the Screwors should screw the Screwees in perpetuity. Remember that Washington, Jefferson, Madison, and Monroe were all slave owners. Alexander Hamilton was a New York banker. The were all Screwors.
“And in America, Screworship in not inherited. The Ameircan dream is that the offspring of Screwees can become a Screwor. That is why so many Screwees send their sons and daughters to law school.”
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Comments:
Posted Thu, Jun 14, 5:25 a.m. Inappropriate
Corporate screwing is consensual, I can say no.
Government screwing is rape, I have to give it up.
Outlaw public employee unions.
Posted Thu, Jun 14, 7:56 a.m. Inappropriate
Ummm....
You do understand that taxation is an issue entirelly seperate from public sector unions, don't you?
Also, as much as you think you can say "no" to corporations, I challenge you to actually go about your daily life without being screwed by one. Watch out for those gas stations, beware grocery stores, hope your home/car/student loans are with a local credit union to decrease screwage. Beware your internet and cable bills, excercise caution when purchasing a new car or appliance... and the list goes on
Also, at what point did we decide that ensuring working people are paid a good wage, have decent benefits, and can retire when they get old is a bad thing to provide?
Posted Thu, Jun 14, 10:02 a.m. Inappropriate
"You do understand that taxation is an issue entirelly seperate from public sector unions, don't you?"
No, I don't. Please explain.
Posted Thu, Jun 14, 4:12 p.m. Inappropriate
"Also, at what point did we decide that ensuring working people are paid a good wage, have decent benefits, and can retire when they get old is a bad thing to provide?"
This is very bad. It makes them slower and less fearful. They may not jump as high when their screwors yell "Jump." They may even get uppity if they think that their Screwors don't have absolute power of life and death over them.
Posted Sat, Jun 16, 12:25 p.m. Inappropriate
Steve has ably explained why some of us are a bit nervous about the notion of a living constitution. Under the old Madison enumerated powers constitutional doctrine, we knew the limits of our screwors' powers. Now with the notion that our screwors can do anything not expressly prohibited by the constitution, it's Katie bar the door. That's especially true since the 1942 Wickard vs. Fillburn decision that upheld, in the name of regulation of interstate commerce, the notion that the federal government can control the type and amount of food a person can grow to feed his or her family. Talk about a royal screwing. When the screwors can force a family to grow broccoli, buy food, or starve to death, all in the name of interstate commerce, you've gotta wonder whether there are any real limits on the screwors' powers.
Posted Wed, Jun 20, 11:19 a.m. Inappropriate
Amen Blue Light! Amen!
Because we don't need no dang unions to protect worker's wages, working conditions, time off or working hours.
And let's face it, there are entirely too many 12 year olds in America that aren't working in factories. Of course that would be if the U.S. HAD factories. Apparently the corporations consulted with you before they consensually moved all of the high paying factory jobs overseas.
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