Religions of the world

We dare to review the various faiths as if they were restaurants.
We dare to review the various faiths as if they were restaurants.

Religions of the world Our daring humorist dares to review the various faiths like restaurants. By Steve Clifford Roman Catholic Rituals: 26
Cachet: 11
Dogma: 18
Afterlife: 19 The dogma is "infallible" and the sin "original" at this popular, "pontifical" spot for rosaries and genuflection. Patrons laud the "mind-boggling" transubstantiation and the "lenient" penances. But indulgences, though "bountiful," may be "overpriced." The afterlife, diminished by the recent closure of the youngish Limbo section, can be "heavenly" or "hellish" depending on one's views of birth control. Young males carp that the staff is "too intimate." Episcopal Rituals: 24
Cachet: 27
Dogma: 14
Afterlife: 20 Patricians flock to this "upscale" favorite for "Catholicism without the Pope and the Irish." Despite "bland food" that always "tastes like a wafer," regulars enjoy its "country club ambience" and "predictable sermons" that avoid "embarrassing topics" and "sex." While some claim the afterlife "is to die for," others are disappointed by the "shortage of domestic help." Jewish (Orthodox) Rituals: 17
Cachet: 17
Dogma: 26
Afterlife: 9 This Talmudic creed offers the "best gelfilte fish this side of Bialstock" and plenty of "old world tsouris." Afterlife is ambiguous, but, "You're healthy. You make a living. You should worry about afterlife? From this you get ulcers. Don't be a meshugenner." Yentas carp about the interminable wait for the Messiah. Hindu Rituals: 22
Cachet: 12
Dogma: 18
Afterlife: 19 Located in the heart of the Indian subcontinent, this bustling, crowded creed is hardly stylish. ("Can you believe they're still wearing Nehru jackets?") And "where's the beef?" But all castes from Kshatriya to Untouchable still throng to this Vedic gem, for spicy food in an exotic setting, though some complain it has gone "downhill since my last reincarnation." Ask to be seated in the Brahman section. Buddhism Rituals: 19
Cachet: 25
Dogma: 17
Afterlife: 11 "Zen out" at this "understated" Asian sleeper, where enthusiasts find "enlightenment," "good karma," and even "Nirvana." The singles scene is active – "Hey, babe, what's your mantra?" But it can be boring to those who dislike "endless meditations" and "uncomfortable" lotus positions. Jewish (Reform) Rituals: 13
Cachet: 21
Dogma: 13
Afterlife: 17 "Have it your way" with "flexible" and "pluralistic" dogma. Despite a limited menu ("where's the pork?"), this recent offshoot provides "the best angst in town" and "more guilt than the Pope." But traditionalists dismiss the fare as "trafe" served by "a bunch of goyishe kopfs." Islam Rituals: 20
Cachet: 12
Dogma: 20
Afterlife: 24 Although it has "slipped since the 10th century," Sunnis and Shiites still exalt this "legendary" creed for its "prophetic" dogma. Hajjis enjoy the "non-touristy" pilgrimage to Mecca and find the Five Pillars "delightful," "delectable," "de-limit," "deluxe," and "de-lovely." Afterlife gets mixed reviews. Confucianism Rituals: 12
Cachet: 15
Dogma: 15
Afterlife: 13 "Father knows best" at this dependable Asian favorite. Patrons celebrate the orderly fare as "The Way" and "One Thread." But after two hours you may be "hungry again for ancestor worship." The Free Market Rituals: 12
Cachet: 28
Dogma: 7
Afterlife: 6 "Show me the money" is the cry at the wildly popular newcomer where "greed is good." "Sweeping the world," the Free Market encourages "24/7 worship" and threatens to eclipse all those "old fashioned, hour-a-week religions." Expect an improved afterlife with the Bush administration initiative to enable oil executives, subsidized farmers, and nitwit heirs to "take it with them."


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