A unionization plan for terrorists

A surefire way to keep Washington safe. State law prohibits workers from blowing themselves up.
A surefire way to keep Washington safe. State law prohibits workers from blowing themselves up.

Gov. Christine Gregoire today unveiled her program for fighting terrorism within the state of Washington. The centerpiece is extending civil service protection and collective bargaining rights to all terrorists. "This will make Al Qaeda as ineffective as the Department of Licensing, the Legislative Evaluation and Accountability Program (LEAP), and the state Barley Commission," she promised. Gregoire expects few Al Qaeda operatives to show up for work once they receive unlimited personal leave. "They'll discover another ailing grandmother every second day," she predicted. Speaker of the House Frank Chopp, D-Seattle, added that the terrorists who do report for work would be hopeless incompetents, since "union seniority and civil service exams will weed out the motivated and the talented." Democrats expect their anti-terrorism plan will enable them to capture an electoral issue thus far owned by Republicans. "Republicans have spent billions, but Osama is still plotting terrorist attacks," Gregoire maintained. "Under our plan, Osama would still be at large, but totally bogged down with union grievances." Chopp argued that collective bargaining will devastate terrorism's finances. "If longshoremen can extort $150,000 a year. Think what real terrorists can exact." Chopp expects financially weak organizations such as Harakat ul-Mujahidin and Islamic Jihad will not have the financial resources to operate within Washington. Privately, Democrats were jubilant about offering an anti-terrorism program that could be embraced by the party's liberal wing. Seattle City Council members hope that this program will create jobs for gays, minorities, and women in terrorist organizations. The City Council had frequently criticized the Al-Aqsa Martyrs' Brigade for the scarcity of Hispanic lesbians in senior management positions. The Democrats' traditional allies in organized labor enthusiastically endorsed the plan. Declared Washington State Labor Council AFL-CIO President Rick Bender: "National security depends on labor collecting more unions dues. We can sleep securely once Hezbollah has agreed to dues check-off." Bender insists unionization will cripple terrorist organizations. "We'll do to Hamas and Abu Nidal what we did to the railroads, the steel industry, and the public schools," he promised. "In six months, rank and file terrorists will stop being anti-American and start being anti-work." Bender thinks restrictive union work rules will be highly effective in hobbling terrorism. "It's hard to set off IEDs when you're taking half-hour breaks every 15 minutes." Gregoire agreed that unionization will retard suicide bombing. "Assignment to a suicidal mission is clearly grieveable," she said. "The terrorist employee can invoke grievance, mediation, and arbitration, and if he or she loses, seek relief either through the Civil Service Commission or state or federal courts." "Civil service rules could end suicide bombing entirely," Gregoire explained. "It is a workplace safety issue. State regulations do not allow employees to blow themselves up."


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