Are you tired of being mistaken for a taxicab when you wear yellow? My name is Clip Clifford. Over the next few months, I will reveal to you the secrets of The Seattle Diet™. This diet has enabled thousands of my clients to shed excess pounds quickly, easily, and permanently – without exercise and while eating everything they wanted. You have tried diet after diet. You lose a few pounds but quickly tire of counting calories, counting carbs, and counting the reduced-fat, fermented soy pits you eat for breakfast. So you pig out on spaghetti carbonara topped with café mocha frappe gelato. Soon you are Two-Ton Tony again and feeling guilty. Don't blame yourself. Blame the diet. The diet demanded discipline and self-control. This is precisely what you don't have. Come to the Clip Weight Loss Clinic and learn about The Seattle Diet™ and its patented Trace Element Balance® (TEB) program. The Seattle Diet™ is the only diet regimen designed for the weak-willed, the lazy, and the self-indulgent. With The Seattle Diet™, you can eat as much as you want of any food. Stuff yourself with Oreos topped with mayonnaise. Calories don't count. Only one thing counts: the proper balance of trace elements. On The Seattle Diet™, you will quickly shed pounds. And you will keep them off. And you can eat all the foods you enjoy. All you need is the proper combination of trace elements in your diet: boron, cobalt, copper, chromium, iron, manganese, molybdenum, nickel, selenium, tin, vanadium, and zinc. Two years ago, Maureen Vincent came to my exclusive clinic located in the exclusive Aurora Avenue district. She packed 475 pounds on her 5-foot-2 frame. She was not allowed to walk on two-way streets. She had tried every diet and blamed herself when these diets failed. "I blame myself," she cried, between bites of batter-fried chicken thighs and a super-sized banana cream pie. Maureen was depressed and considering suicide but first wanted to finish the half-gallon of Haagen Dazs™ Blueberry Cheesecake Ice Cream in her fridge. I told Maureen it was not her fault. Her problem was a deficiency of copper, resulting in insufficient FCC ("trustworthy" tricyclides) and an excess of FTC ("unscrupulous" tricyclides). I put Maureen on The Seattle Diet™ and had her chew copper telephone wire after each meal. After three months, Maureen had dropped to 170 pounds, grown to 5-foot-7, and begun playing semi-professional basketball. After 18 months, she was an international supermodel and the second leading scorer for the Seattle Storm. Like Maureen, you are not to blame. Like Maureen, you have simply been given the wrong information. Most diets do not consider the human body as a factory that processes raw material into finished goods. Suppose a furniture factory started to produce overweight dining tables. Would the management say, "Let's cut way back on raw materials"? No, they would fix the process. You don't need to cut back on foods you enjoy. You need to come to the elegant Clip Weight Loss Clinic where I will fix the process. I fix the process by getting you the right mix of trace elements. The Seattle Diet™ is the first diet based on a scientific understanding of how the body processes food. When food enters the stomach, it interacts with digestive enzymes synthesized by the pancreas. These enzymes reduce digestible macromolecules to absorbable nutrients. The most important enzyme is the pancreatic protease, trypsin. Trypsin comes in two forms, FBI ("loyal" trypsin) and INS ("disloyal," or "traitorous" trypsin). Too much Benedict Arnold trypsin and you become a butterball. The pancreatic levels of copper, boron, and chromium govern the secretion of trypsin. Often, simply by bringing these three trace elements into proper balance, I can fix the process. One of my patients lost 145 pounds in six days after curing her chromium imbalance by licking the base of the Space Needle after lunch. The second step in the digestive process is the breaking down of fats, carbohydrates, and proteins by liver bile in the small intestine. The amounts of boron, manganese, and molybdenum in the liver govern the secretion of bile. With the right mixture of these trace elements, your liver will produce yellow, or "helpful," bile, which dissolves fats faster than Liquid Tide. The wrong mixture produces black, or "feckless," bile that sends fats directly to your thighs. When Dick Harris came to one of my clinics, he weighed 396 pounds, despite stomach stapling and liposuction. Dick blamed himself. "I blame myself," he wept, as he spread peanut butter on his Lipitor tablets. A few quick tests revealed a serious imbalance of trace elements in Dick's liver. Because the ratio of boron to manganese exceeded three to one, Dick's liver had ceased synthesizing CIA ("friendly") Gastein and secreted only NSA ("odious") Gastein. This explained Tom's constant hunger. I started Dick on The Seattle Diet™ and added a teaspoon of grated Boron golf shaft to his morning latte. We fix the process. In his first four weeks of The Seattle Diet™, Dick lost 175 pounds. After nine months, he disappeared entirely into the world of anti-matter and now communicates through Rose Leibowitz, a 72-year-old channeler living in Yonkers, N.Y. Next month I will explain the relationship between trace elements and hunger.