In the race for the White House, you need not settle for a candidate with only one god

This guy says he'll poll all nine of his gods before going to war.
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One of Steve Clifford's nine gods 'ꀔ we forget which one.

This guy says he'll poll all nine of his gods before going to war.

Yesterday, presidential hopeful Steven Clifford moved to claim the position of the candidate of faith. "I have more faith than all my rivals combined," he boasted. Clifford stated that he believes in the Holy Trinity, Yahweh, and Allah. He also believes in Zeus, Marduk, Huitzilopochtli, Woden, Zoroaster, and Baal. The majority of American voters trust only "people of faith" as candidates. Clifford has gained little support with this group despite his claim to have periodically attended, between the ages of 5 and 12, Sunday school taught by Sister Mary Catherine. Focus group research indicated that professing belief in a single religion would not make Clifford competitive in the "faith race." Therefore, he adopted a "Nine God Strategy." "Look at the competition he faces in faith," one campaign insider observed. "Three Republican candidates are creationist. That is faith. Another opponent holds that her faith enabled her to tolerate the philandering of her horn-dog husband. That is faith squared. "Still another candidate believes that the Angel Moroni guided Joseph Smith to ancient gold plates engraved in a dead language called reformed Egyptian. By burying his head in a hat along with a magic rock, Smith was able to translate and dictate the scripture that appeared to him from the darkness. "Now anyone who takes this on faith has faith cubed." To be competitive in faith, campaign strategists determined, Clifford needed nine Gods. "I have more faith than any of my opponents," Clifford declared. "Nine times as much, more or less, depending on how you count the Trinity." "My opponents have faith in a single supernatural force for which there is no evidence. I have faith in nine supernatural forces for which there is no evidence. I ask you, who has the most faith?" Clifford contended that his Nine God Platform will lead to better decision-making. "You run risks with a single god," Clifford argued. "Bush revealed that God told him to invade Iraq. But Bush's god speaks with a Aramaic accent. He probably said Iran, and Bush misunderstood." Clifford pledged that if a god tells him to invade a country, he will seek advice from the other eight gods before starting a war. "I won't invade with anything less than a 6-3 vote," he promised.


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