All this time I thought I was just tapping my foot

Oh the rejection, the miscommunication. It's been a rude awakening, reading this police report on Larry Craig.
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Oh the rejection, the miscommunication. It's been a rude awakening, reading this police report on Larry Craig.

My reaction to the Larry Craig story was a stream of emotions and questions. For those vacationing on the planet Zork-El last week, Sen. Craig, R-Idaho, pleaded guilty after a sting by an undercover cop in an airport restroom. According to the official report, while sitting in a men room's stall, "Craig tapped his right foot in a signal used by people wishing to engage in lewd conduct."

I am a congenital foot tapper. I cannot keep still. I constantly tap one foot and often both. My initial reaction, therefore, was embarrassment over signaling that I wished to engage in lewd conduct. Resentment and depression followed when I realized how many people had turned me down.

I consoled myself with the thought that perhaps foot tapping signals are valid only in public restrooms. But embarrassment and depression returned when I realized I'm totally out it and don't understand today's signals. I imagined countless people looking at me tapping my foot and sneering, "That jerk doesn't know that foot taping signals work only in public restrooms."

Then I recalled that the undercover cop moved his foot up and down to signal reciprocal interest. During my foot tapping, many people have moved a foot up and down, especially those walking. Perhaps I'm not unattractive. In fact, I may be the rebuffer not the rebuffee. As I said, the story raises a lot of questions. To start, unless one is a foot fetishist, how does one evaluate the attractiveness of a sexual partner based upon a glimpse of stocking? This seems to entail more risk than accepting a blind date in college with a girl described as having a great personality.

Elsewhere, lack of full disclosure is a crime. It is time for tapping to come out of the stalls and into the clean air of NASCAR grandstands, corporate retreats, and church pews.

This would be a relief to undercover cops assigned to airport restrooms.

More questions: What shoes they wear? Certainly not standard issue black cop shoes. They couldn't catch flies with these on. So where do they go for fashion advice? How are they trained? How many hours a day do they spend sitting on johns? Are they allowed to read while on the job? Is this considered hazardous duty?

As usual, the press focuses on the scandal and misses the deeper issue such as what crimes were being committed while undercover cops sat on johns awaiting a foot taper searching for a consenting adult.

Sometimes I tap both feet. Can some hip reader advise me if this is the signal that:

  • I go both ways.
  • I want to engage in lewd conduct but find it difficult to make a commitment.
  • My feet want to engage in lewd conduct with each other.

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