Putting up with a confusing campaign

The race for president in a nutshell: Everybody's mad as hell.
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The race for president in a nutshell: Everybody's mad as hell.

Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul won't put up with flag burning. Ron is mad as hell. (I'm with Ron. Flag burning has become an intolerable problem in my neighborhood.)

Mitt Romney won't put up with abortion. Mitt won't put up with gay marriage. Mitt won't put up with undocumented immigrants unless they work on his yard. Mitt is mad as hell.

Rudy Giuliani won't put up with anything – facts, wives, expense account rules, you name it. Rudi is mad as hell.

Except for an ex-Baptist minister, all the Republican candidates are mad as hell.

I'm confused. I thought Republicans had been running things for years. Why are they mad?

They're mad as hell about taxes, they shriek.

What's the point of the Bush tax cuts and the resulting deficits if these guys remain mad as hell? They seem to be doing fine. They all can afford nice blue suits, white shirts, red ties, and flag lapel pins. I'm confused. What are they mad at?

They are mad as hell about illegal immigrants, they holler.

Most of the Republicans I know are my fellow golfers at Broadmoor (The People's Course). They love immigrants, legal and illegal, who rake the sand traps, roll the greens, and mow the fairways.

Do Romney, Tancredo, Hunter, Paul, Huckabee, Giuliani, Thompson, etc., want to shut down every country club in America? Few Democrats would suffer. The Broadmoor Democratic Club meets annually in May. If everyone shows, we play as a foursome.

I'm confused. Why are creationism and torture the only things these candidates like? Do they hope to make Intelligent Designing and Waterboarding Olympic events?

Fred Thompson was supposed to enliven this race, but he soon adopted the platform "No Voter Left Awake." Now Mike Huckabee is rising in the polls because, uniquely in the annals of Arkansas governors, he may not be a horndog.

Tancredo, Paul, Hunter, and others manage the difficult feat of being wacko without being entertaining. Democratic wackos do better. Consider Dennis Kucinich, whose campaign advisors are all from the planet Zork-El.

Where did the Republicans get this lackluster bunch? The race for county auditor of Tallapoosa, Ala., drew a better field. Has the Republican Party ever heard of executive search firms? For a $750,000 fee, Korn/Ferry or Spencer Stuart could produce four candidates with more talent, intelligence, and charisma.

Among the Democrats, Hillary leads in national polls because of her name recognition. Therefore, the pundits have awarded her the nomination, lauding her campaign as "professional," "tightly scripted," and "disciplined."

Pundits are not troubled by the fact that nobody likes her or trusts her. This is viewed as normal. Inside the Beltway, nobody likes anybody or trusts anybody.

"So what if she reminds men of girls who didn't buy their act in college. So what if she reminds women of the priss who chaired the Honor Board while cutting corners for her personal advantage?" they reason. "Hey, nobody liked or trusted Nixon, and he was twice elected president."

If Hillary stumbles, the pundits will reveal that they knew it all along – her "professional," "tightly scripted," and "disciplined" campaign only pissed people off.

If she does not stumble, we can look forward to Hillary running as the woman who put up with Bill, and thus deserves the presidency.

(I'm confused. What about the rest of us who put up with Bill? What do we deserve? Hillary?)

Her opponent will run as the suit who isn't Hillary, won't put up with Hillary, and thus deserves the presidency.

It will be confusing. I may not put up with it.


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