The McCain-Clifford ticket

No question that Sen. John McCain needs a humorist on his ticket, but some details remain to be worked out before I accept.
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U.S. Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz. (Wikimedia Commons)

No question that Sen. John McCain needs a humorist on his ticket, but some details remain to be worked out before I accept.

Because Barack Obama is left-handed, John McCain will choose a left-handed running mate.

"Lefties are the swing block in presidential elections," confides Arthur Culvanhouse, who is advising McCain on vice presidential candidates. "Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and Bill Clinton were all lefties who won by sweeping the left-handed vote. We cannot concede this critical group to Obama. We will name a left-hander for veep."

The name increasingly mentioned as McCain's running mate is Steve Clifford, an unemployed Seattle blogger.

"He can deliver the left-handers," Culvanhouse argues. "He has been in the forefront of left-handed liberation movement. Whereas Obama has done little for southpaws, Clifford was the first to advocate criminalization of handist hate speech — words such as "sinister," "gauche," "dexterous," and "adroit."

Clifford could also pull votes from another core Obama group, the nation's druggies. "In his entire lifetime, Obama smoked a little grass and did cocaine a few times. That would have been a light weekend in the '60s," Culvanhouse noted. "Teaming Clifford with Cindy McCain, who was once addicted to Percocet and Vicodin and stole the drugs from her own nonprofit medical relief organization, will guarantee us the stoner vote."

Conservatives will applaud the selection of Clifford because of his positions on their core "values" issues:

  • Capital punishment: Clifford is pro-death.
  • Gun control: Clifford is pro-death.
  • The war in Iraq: Clifford is pro-death.
  • Illegal immigrants: Clifford is pro-death.
  • Gay marriage: Clifford is pro-death.
  • Flag burning: Clifford is pro-death.

Clifford's appeal to conservatives is enhanced by his heroic military record (promoted to private first class in the Army Reserves and strong religious beliefs. He believes in nine gods — the Holy Trinity, Yahweh, Allah, Zeus, Marduk, Huitzilopochtli, Woden, Zoroaster, and Baal — and claims to be nine times more religious than any other candidate.

Clifford should also help McCain with two groups that supported Hillary Clinton — working people and older women.

While Obama is intelligent, articulate, and inspiring, Clifford is dense, obtuse, and vapid. McCain strategists will position Obama as an elitist and Clifford as the anti-elitist.

"If the working-class voter wants mediocrity, we will give them mediocrity," a McCain advisor promised. "We will tell Sam and Sally Working Class that Clifford is just like you — he has failed at everything he has tried. As an added benefit, Clifford is the only one around who won't outshine McCain in the brains department."

Clifford's appeal to older women is that he has been married to the same woman for 38 years. She not only thinks he's a jerk, she says so publicly. This will resonate with older women, most of whom, by now, realize that they, too, married jerks.

"He appeals to almost every key swing group. In addition to lefties, druggies, and women married to jerks, he polls well with paranoid schizophrenics, Kansas City Royals fans, and people who cheat on taxes," Culvanhouse revealed.

Clifford provides excellent balance to the ticket, being strong in areas where McCain is vulnerable, including:

  • Foreign Affairs: He has visited Italy six times in the past decade and is on a first name basis with many Italian waiters.
  • Youth: Six years younger than McCain, Clifford at 65 could easily pass for 64-1/2.
  • Cooking: An accomplished cook, he could give recipes to Cindy McCain, relieving her from stealing them from The Food Network.
  • Spelling: Clifford can correctly spell potato.

McCain aides have begun negotiations with Clifford. Reportedly, McCain has agreed to Clifford's compensation requests — overtime pay for more than 25 hours a week, double time when presiding over the Senate, and hazardous-duty pay when seated next to Cindy McCain at a state dinner.

Clifford's policy role in a McCain administration is not yet resolved. While Clifford has been offered oversight of health care and education, he prefers a position supervising the female White House interns.


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