Jerry Springer: Today's topic is "Vengeful Stepsons." Our first guest is a stepson who murdered his stepfather. And he is also a prince. Let's give a big welcome to Hamlet.
Audience members: (Cheers, whistles, and shouts of) To thine own self be true!
Jerry: Welcome to the show. Is Hamlet your first or last name?
Hamlet: It's my only name. Like Bono, Cher, or Madonna.
Jerry: Your father was also named Hamlet. That must have been a problem.
Hamlet: Dr. Rothstein thinks it accounts for my indecisiveness, fondness for leotards, and proclivity to murder.
Audience member: There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so!
Jerry: Now, Hamlet, I understand that you're a prince.
Hamlet: Prince of Denmark.
Jerry: Must be an interesting job.
Hamlet: I attend a lot of funerals.
Jerry: And that keeps you busy?
Hamlet: Very busy. We have a lot of funerals in Denmark. Poisoning is our national pastime.
Jerry: National pastime?
Hamlet: Yes, pouring poison into your brother's ear, giving your stepson a poison chalice, watching your wife drink poison, and putting poison on dueling swords. When you add in the suicides and the stabbings, we've got a lot of funerals.
Jerry: And a lot of dead bodies!
Hamlet: That's why we joke "something is rotten in the state of Denmark." Ha. Ha.
Audience member: Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice!
Jerry: And now you have just produced a play.
Hamlet: Yes. The Death of Gonzago.
Audience member: The play's the thing!
Jerry: What's it about?
Hamlet: Poisoning. It's a Danish play.
Jerry: And why did you produce the play?
Hamlet: To catch the conscience of the King.
Audience member: More than kin and less than kind!
Jerry: What advice do you have for youngsters just starting out in the prince business?
Hamlet: Learn to tell a hawk from a handsaw.
Jerry: Is that hard?
Hamlet: It's easy once you get the hang of it. A hawk is a bird. It flies.
Jerry: And the handsaw?
Hamlet: It's inanimate; doesn't move at all. The flying is a dead giveaway.
Audience member: Give thy thoughts no tongue!
Jerry: What is the hardest part of your job?
Hamlet: The soliloquies are difficult.
Audience member: To be or not to be, that is the question.
Audience member: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
Jerry: What are soliloquies?
Hamlet: Talks to myself where I reveal my innermost thoughts.
Jerry: You talk to yourself?
Hamlet: To myself. And to ghosts. People used to think I was quite dotty, talking to ghosts and myself all the time. Now they assume I'm just another prince on a cell phone.
Jerry: Could you give us a soliloquy?
Hamlet: I would hardly be talking to myself.
Audience member: There are more things on heaven and earth, than are dreamt of in your philosophy!
Jerry: Good night, sweet prince. And now our next guest is also a Prince. Let's give a big welcome to Fortinbras.
Audience members: (Cheers, whistles, shouts of) This goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory!
Jerry: Welcome to the show. Is Fortinbras your first or last name?
Fortinbras: It's my only name. Like Bono, Cher, or Madonna.
Jerry: Your father was also named Fortinbras. That must have been a problem.
Fortinbras: Dr. Rothstein thinks it accounts for my decisiveness, fondness for leotards, and proclivity to murder.
Audience member: Though this be madness, yet there is a method in't.