'Drill their brains out!'

While the mainstream media's campaign features attacks, gossip, and trivia, Steve Clifford focuses on the important issues.
Crosscut archive image.

U.S. Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz. (JohnMcCain.com)

While the mainstream media's campaign features attacks, gossip, and trivia, Steve Clifford focuses on the important issues.

Today we examine energy policy:

Clifford: Senator McCain, what is your energy policy?

McCain: Drill, drill, drill.

Clifford: Where should we drill?

McCain: Czechoslovakia.

Clifford: Czechoslovakia no longer exists.

McCain: Drill everywhere. Places that exist. Places that don't exist. We must be bold.

Clifford: In what other places that don't exist should we drill?

McCain: The Iraq-Afghanistan border and Darfur region of Somalia.

Clifford: Senator Obama, do you agree that we should drill?

Obama: No and yes.

Clifford: Can you explain?

Obama: It would take at least ten years before oil started flowing from new offshore drilling, and over twenty years to reach maximum capacity.

Even then, this would increase world daily oil output by 0.2 percent. Since oil prices are determined by international supply and demand, it would have almost no effect on oil and gas prices.

We would inflict grave environmental damage to our coasts for little benefit.

Clifford: But you answered no and yes. How can you support any drilling?

Obama: Because McCain is gaining traction on this issue. So I allowed that I am willing to consider offshore drilling as a compromise it if it's necessary to pass a comprehensive energy plan. Now McCain cannot beat me up for opposing drilling. Aren't I clever?

Clifford: Absolutely. And you also proposed releasing 70 million barrels from the strategic oil reserve. What effect will this have?

Senator Obama: I hope it will make Americans think I care about their problems.

Clifford: Would it have any effect on prices at the pump?

Senator Obama: How could it? We consume over 8 billion barrels a year. What difference could an extra 70 million make?

Clifford: The centerpiece of your energy program is a 10-year, $150 billion spending plan emphasizing clean coal technology, further development of plug-in hybrid cars, commercialization of wind and solar power, and other measures.

How are you going to finance this program, and also provide universal health care, when we are running a $300 billion deficit, not including the war costs?

Senator Obama: I believe in the Tooth Fairy.

Clifford: Senator McCain, part of your energy program is a gas tax holiday. Won't this simply raise consumption and increase our reliance on foreign oil?

McCain: Exactly. That's why we must drill. Drill, drill, drill.

Clifford: You also propose offering a $300 million prize for major advancement of low-cost, plug-in hybrid or electric car technology. Who do you expect to compete for such a prize?

McCain: My wife, Cindy.

Clifford: Your wife Cindy?

McCain: Yes. If she can compete for Miss Buffalo Chip, a topless biker contest, she can compete for hybrid auto design.

Clifford: You derided Senator Obama for saying Americans should properly inflate tires.

Both the EPA and the Transportation Department state that proper tire inflation could improve gasoline mileage by about 3 percent, saving much more than could be produced by new drilling.

Why do you ridicule this proposal?

McCain: It's not manly. Real men don't inflate tires. Real men drill. Real men plunge the shaft into the hole.

Clifford: You don't favor conservation?

McCain: Conservation is for Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and girly-men like Obama. Real men drill. Drilling is virile. Real men drill. Drill their brains out!

Clifford: What happens to people who have had their brains drilled out?

McCain: They vote Republican.


Please support independent local news for all.

We rely on donations from readers like you to sustain Crosscut's in-depth reporting on issues critical to the PNW.


About the Authors & Contributors