I must make a stand for theater! Much as I hate to admit it, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has driven me to enter politics — not because I feel empowered as a woman but because theater and good honest fiction are in jeopardy. Thanks to Sarah, I now see that my career in make-believe has uniquely prepared me to take a stand for truth.
Make-believe is a dangerous world if you don't know what you're doing. Sarah shows talent but still has a lot to learn about both: Lies don't make good fiction. Your eyes dry out and turn red if you don't blink. An audience will turn on you before the end of Act I if you don't know how to handle sarcasm.
Let me tell you some of my qualifications for leadership in a world that can't distinguish fact from fiction. I have 25 years in an executive position in a world of make-believe. Through my years as an executive at ACT Theatre, I served more audiences than Wasilla has residents. I have dealt with infrastructure — stage sets that have to last a full six weeks. I know foreign affairs — artists who come from Tashkent, South Africa, and sometimes Alaska (which is almost Russia). I know what it means to stand up for what's right — I've stood up for plays even when audiences hated them. (Talk about your whiners!)
And believe me, I know what it means to struggle financially. This economy doesn't scare me. Debt, a cash crunch, hand-to-mouth living, payroll-to-payroll insecurity, layoffs — I've seen it all.
Experience in the dramatic world of make-believe has placed me close to all the issues that face America today or faced us yesterday. As these issues unfold on stage, I have been much closer to them than Wasilla is. I am versed in quantum physics, the Trojan War, immigration, unwed mothers, abortion, cloning, Iraq war policy, Vietnam, both world wars, the Black Plague, reincarnation, AIDS, corruption, apartheid, European socialism, religious fervor, political buffoons, intellectuals, and every shade of ridiculousness. My advisors have been some of the great professionals in fiction and make-believe. And I know all the tricks that bamboozle an audience. Theater has prepared me for politics.
Make-believe must not fall into the hands of amateurs. It takes a professional. Although my theater is smaller than many, a small theater makes me (as Palin would say) more real (not to be confused with more capable) and gives me the over-confidence to lead you all. I bring a perfect combination of real and make-believe to anybody's ticket.
I would grant that Palin has made an impression up there in a world of extreme light and extreme dark. But she's a novice. She was still moving from college to college when I first asked audiences to "suspend disbelief." I took a stand for fiction 25 years ago. If experience counts, I've got it.
The real world doesn't know how to handle truth, but I, as a creature of theater, can deal with truth. Only truth-seekers can handle the explosive potential of pure fiction. We know that when make-believe is confused with reality, art turns into artifice and fiction is dead. The real world has always played havoc with the truth. I'm used to it. But when the real world plays havoc with make-believe, I must take a stand. Hence, I'm running as a write-in candidate on a theater platform. Protect good, honest fiction! I don't dress to kill and I won't kill to dress. Instead, I will dress the stage and deliver on promises of good honest fiction. Vote for fiction you can believe in!