Stating that the U.S. is facing its gravest economic crisis since the Great Depression, Arizona Sen. John McCain today called for a massive economic stimulus package. His plan is to send Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin on shopping sprees at more than 43 high-end retailers.
McCain staffers estimate that this would inject $375 billion into the economy in less than two weeks and rescue the faltering fashion industry. "If Tina Fey matches every Palin outfit, we can double that amount," added Douglas Holtz-Eakin, McCain's chief economic adviser.
Palin said she "did not blink" when asked to assume this new responsibility. "I'm just a small-town hockey mom whose family values include Proenza Schouler, Cartier, and Roger Vivier," she winked.
Asked how much of her spending she would allocate to accessories, Palin responded, "John McCain is a maverick."
Recent rumors of overstocked Manolo Blahniks precipitated a panic in the luxury goods market. Although usually opposed to government intervention, McCain's advisers believe that certain designers are "too fashionable to fail."Â
"If Dennis Basso or Prada failed, the consequences would be cataclysmic," Holtz-Eakin warned. "We would face a crisis of confidence. Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin would face inventory writedowns and could go under, threatening the entire world fashion structure."
"That is the genius of the Plain shopping spree plan," advisor Carly Fiorina explained. "We target the stimulus at the industry that needs it most."
Showing sympathy for the hard-hit fashion industry, McCain launched his "Joe the Couturier" tour at the Nina Ricci boutique in Bergdorf's. Dressed in a Badgley Mischka Nikki military jacket, McCain slammed Obama for "wanting to raise taxes on hard working couturiers like Joe the Couturier, Vera Wang, and Salvatore Ferragamo."
"These are the real Americans — people who work hard, go to church, start small businesses, and create jobs for emaciated Supermodels," McCain proclaimed.
In addition to the Palin shopping sprees, McCain's plan also provides $300 billion for the government to purchase troubled assets (unsold inventory) from retailers such as Gucci, Neiman Marcus, and Jimmy Choo. "The high-end retail system is frozen," Fiorina stated. "We need to get this inventory off their books so retailers can start stocking again."
At a campaign rally in Livid, Mo., Palin was greeted by the chant "shop, baby, shop" while wiggling her nose. Regarding the details of her planned shopping sprees, Palin revealed only that "John McCain is a maverick."