Humor: Happy Rebranding to me

No time better than New Year's to do a dramatic makeover of one's tired brand.
Crosscut archive image.

Starbucks' new-old logo (right)

No time better than New Year's to do a dramatic makeover of one's tired brand.

Rebranding is my New Year'ꀙs resolution. Brand loyalty is declining. The perceived value of The Clifford brand is abysmal.

In test of unaided brand awareness, the Clifford brand is consistently beaten by 'ꀜnone of the above,'ꀝ and 'ꀜmad cow disease.'ꀝ The Clifford brand is tired. The Clifford brand is tarnished. The Clifford brand lacks top of mind awareness. The Clifford brand'ꀙs core messages are not compelling. The Clifford brand'ꀙs visual imagery is not impactful.

My mission statement, 'ꀜSteve Clifford'ꀦnot working for you'ꀦnot working at all,'ꀝ is stale. My logo is often mistaken for a coffee stain. I need a logo that repositions the Clifford brand as hip, current, and Gen Y fast casual.

I need to revitalize my brand image. Rebranding is the answer. It is time to change my fonts, my typefaces, and my socks. The Clifford brand will adopt a totally new illustration style. I will go beyond superficial brand tinkering. I will transform the Clifford brand. I will create new brand archetype.

I will introduce a new tagline. 'ꀜAging resentfully since 1991'ꀝ is a tired tagline. My rebranded tagline will be modern, upbeat, and reinforce positive brand features. My new tagline, 'ꀜRemembering to take his medications since 2004,'ꀝ will reinforce the Clifford brand promise — maturity, wisdom, and dissociative identity disorder.

My brand promise will resonate with target demographics. I will design a compelling Brand Identity Map. Brand awareness will skyrocket among the senescent and the unconceived.

My new mission statement, 'ꀜMaking the world a better place'ꀦfor Steve Clifford'ꀝ will be the cornerstone of my new brand architecture. The entire brand architecture will redesigned — brand perception, brand esteem, the look and feel: all the brand touch points.

One brand touch point is how I respond to people saying, 'ꀜHave a good day.'ꀝ I'ꀙll cease responding, 'ꀜThanks, but I have other plans.'ꀝ This response does not build brand equity. Another brand touch point is my current answering machine message: 'ꀜThis is Steve Clifford. If you are offering compliments, please press one. Awards, press two. Money, press three. All other callers please hang up.'ꀝ This message does not enhance brand commitment.

The multifaceted roll out of my rebrand story will:

  • Redefine brand DNA
  • Reawaken brand awareness
  • Rebuild brand loyalty
  • Reignite brand excitement
  • Reinvigorate all components of brand equity

I can then leverage my brand assets. I can position for brand expansion. I can reposition for rebrand re-expansion. The Clifford brand can be extended to soft goods, antihistamines, and fruit-flavored gins. The Clifford brand can be extended to religious instruction. Religious instruction utilizes my core competencies — interrupting, complaining, dozing, and cheating at solitaire.

I will develop new core competencies as I launch my brand: Feng Shui, spectrographic imaging, point-of-sale promotion, and cheating at croquet. This would reposition me to rebuild brand loyalty and brand image. With new core competencies the Clifford brand need not be limited to a single species. The Clifford brand could be extended to muskrats, iguanas, and cockroaches.

The Clifford brand will be positioned to cross-pollinate, grabbing mind share and market share. The Clifford brand will then be positioned to invade Russia, succeeding where Charles XII, Napoleon, and Hitler failed.


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