Hell is spelled VMO

I was at SeaTac airport last week listening to an employee continually warn: THE MOVING WALKWAY IS ABOUT TO END. PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP'ꀦTHE MOVING WALKWAY IS ABOUT TO END. PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP 'ꀦTHE MOVING WALKWAY IS ABOUT TO END. PLEASE WATCH YOUR STEP.

I thought to myself, 'ꀜWhat a lousy job this guy has. He repeats two sentences over and over and no one cares.'ꀝ I realize that one can'ꀙt be picky about employment in today'ꀙs economy. The position of Moving Walkway Announcer (MWA) is indoor work with no heavy lifting. Still it might get lonely.

The greeter at the Pacific Place garage has a better deal. On entering, she cheerfully says, 'ꀜWelcome to Pacific Place. Remember to take your parking ticket with you and pay at the concourse. Thank you.'ꀝ She probably develops lasting relationships with repeat customers. I used to respond, 'ꀜYou'ꀙre welcome. Have a good day.'ꀝ Getting to know her better, I have begun to ask about her kids.

Voice Mail Operators (VMO'ꀙs) have it worse. VMO'ꀙs must be bilingual (Para continuar en Espanol precione numero dos) and posses an encyclopedic knowledge of the company, its products and its personnel. And what do VMO'ꀙs get in return? Customers screaming at them.

Repeating 'ꀜthe moving walkway is about to end'ꀝ all day may be dull, but no one threatens your life.

Consider the following colloquy between a VMO and an irate customer (IC):

VMO: (Helpfully) If you are having trouble with a software application, please press 1 or say 'ꀜsoftware.'ꀝ If not, say 'ꀜback.'ꀝ

IC: Software.

VMO: (Cheerfully) Please say the name of the software application with which you are having trouble.

IC: Email.

VMO (Constructively) I think you said 'ꀜretail.'ꀝ If this is correct say yes. If not say back.

IC: Back.

VMO: (Radiantly) Please say the name of the software application with which you are having trouble.

IC: Email.

VMO: (Consolingly) I think you said 'ꀜretail.'ꀝ If this is correct say yes. If not say back.

IC: I didn'ꀙt say retail, you moron. I said email.

VMO: (Empathetically, not losing her cool): Please say the name of the software application with which you are having trouble.

IC: Email.

VMO: (Congenially) I think you said 'ꀜretail.'ꀝ If this is correct say yes. If not say back.

IC: Back. I want go back to the question of English or Spanish. Given that you can'ꀙt understand English maybe we should conduct this conversation is Spanish.

VMO: (Sensitively) You have reached customer care. All of our associates are busy with other customers. You call is very important to us. Please remain on the line and an associate will be with you shortly. We appreciate your patience.

IC: Go to hell.

VMO: (Engagingly): Welcome to Software Support. Para continuar en Espanol precione numero dos. If you know the extension of the person you are calling, enter it now. For all other options press 1.

IC: How about the option of attaching you to a mediaeval torture device called the breaking wheel whereby your arms and legs stretched out along the spokes? The wheel turns while a heavy metal hammer delivers bone-breaking blows to your body. After the shattering is complete, your limbs are woven between the spokes and hoisted to the top of a pole for birds to eat.

VMO: (Fetchingly): Welcome to Software Support. Para continuar en Espanol precione numero dos. If you know the extension of the person you are calling, enter it now. For all other options press 1.

The only job worse than a VMO is a Republican Economist (RE). RE'ꀙs spend the entire day repeating WE WOULD ALL BE MUCH BETTER OFF IF THE RICH PAID LESS IN TAXES'ꀦ WE WOULD ALL BE MUCH BETTER OFF IF THE RICH PAID LESS IN TAXES'ꀦWE WOULD ALL BE MUCH BETTER OFF IF THE RICH PAID LESS IN TAXES'ꀦand no one seems to care anymore.