Humor: A Senator by any other name

A cure for the common apathy: catchy names for all those boring Senators
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Sen. Patty Murray

A cure for the common apathy: catchy names for all those boring Senators


From: Clip Clifford, CEO, Strategic Strategies

To: Senate Committee on Public Relations

Re: Names

The Senate'ꀙs approval rating has fallen again. You now rank behind used car salesman, child molesters, and Bank CEO'ꀙs. Our research reveals that your names are a big part of the problem. Who the hell is Johanns? Barrasso? Begich? Carper? Enzi? Kaufman? No wonder people think you'ꀙre a bunch of clowns.

Strategic Strategies recommends that each of you adopt a descriptive name. This worked wonders for the American Indians. (I eschew the term 'ꀜNative American.'ꀝ Having been born in Orange, NJ, I am a Native American. I believe that no American Indian would want to be associated with Clip Clifford.) Think Crazy Horse, Little Big Man, Dances With Wolves, Sitting Bull, etc. Nobody cares how guys named Isakson, Risch, and Crapo voted. With descriptive names, roll calls would be front page. Imagine:

Roll Call on Motion to Invoke Cloture on the Motion to Proceed to S. 3268

Alabama: Talks Nonsense (R), Nay; Red in the Neck (R), Nay

Alaska: Beats a Dead Horse (D), Yea; Expanding Waistline (R), Nay

Arizona: Sleazy Eagle (R), Nay; Always Peeved (R), Nay

Arkansas: Bird Brained (D), Yea; Seldom Sober (D), Yea

California: Pushy Broad (D), Yea; In Lala Land (D), Yea

Colorado: Bag of Wind (D), Yea; Elevator Does Not Go To The Top (D), Yea

Connecticut: Clueless (D), Yea; Hole in the Head (Ind.), Yea

Delaware: Dimwit Dingbat (D), Yea; Lost in the Twilight Zone (D), Yea

Florida: Not the Sharpest Arrow in the Quiver (R), Nay; Bunco Artist (D), Yea

Georgia: Talks Your Ear Off (R), Nay; Many Falsehoods (R), Nay

Hawaii: Screw Loose (D), Yea; Pig Headed (D), Yea

Idaho: Blunt Instrument (R), Nay; Potato Head (R), Nay

Illinois: Appointed By A Felon (D), Yea; False Messiah (D), Yea

Indiana: Farts Up A Storm (D), Nay; Cocaine Monkey (R), Nay

Iowa: Not Playing with A Full Deck (R), Nay; Forked Tongue (D), Yea

Kansas: Denies Evolution (R), Nay; Aggressively Boring (R), Nay

Kentucky: Cheats at Golf (R), Nay; Writes Bad Checks (R), Nay

Louisiana: Panders to Yahoos (D), Yea; Snores Through Sessions (R), Nay

Maine: Won'ꀙt Shut Up (R), Nay; Blow Hard (R), Nay

Maryland: Taxes and Spends (D), Yea; Un-indicted (D), Yea

Massachusetts: Drives Off Bridges (D), Yea; Votes For Before He Votes Against (D), Yea

Michigan: Sitting Bullshit (D), Yea; Standing Bullshit (D), Yea

Minnesota: Runs Toward Cameras (D), Yea; Ha Ha Man (D) Not Voting

Mississippi: Low Watt Bulb (R), Nay; Make me an Offer (R), Nay

Missouri: Out to Lunch (R), Nay; Vacant Lot (D), Yea

Montana: Great White Jerk (D), Yea; A Few Fries Short of a Happy Meal (D), Yea

Nebraska: Goes Both Ways (R), Nay; Goes Four Ways (D), Nay

Nevada: Does Not Go at All (R), Nay; What Happens in the Senate Stays in the Senate (D), Yea

New Hampshire: Loud of Mouth (R), Nay; Yadda Yadda Yadda (D), Yea

New Jersey: Flimflam Man (D), Yea; Low Life Lizard (D), Yea

New Mexico: No Lead In the Pencil (D), Yea; Banana Head (D), Yea

New York: Gun Toting Mama (D), Yea; Salts the Mine (D), Yea

North Carolina: Can'ꀙt Chew Gum and Walk at the Same Time (R), Nay; Wets The Bed (D), Yea

North Dakota: Con Man (D), Yea; Megadork (D), Yea

Ohio: Sticky fingers (D), Yea; Crazy Horse's Ass (R), Nay

Oklahoma: Stuck in the Pleistocene (R), Nay; Denies Global Warming (R), Nay

Oregon: Jerk of the First Order (D), Yea; Pawn of the Unions (D), Yea

Pennsylvania: Big Goniff (D), Yea; Blows a Gasket (R), Nay

Rhode Island: Inane Turkey (D), Yea; White Bread (D), Yea

South Carolina: Just Says No (R), Nay; Still Fighting the Civil War (R), Nay

South Dakota: Dumber Than Rain (D), Yea; Flip Flops (R-SD), Nay

Tennessee: Shucks and Jives (R), Nay; No Shucks (R), Nay

Texas: Roaring A-hole (R), Nay; Raging A-hole (R), Nay

Utah: Head-standing A-hole (R), Nay; Skywriting A-hole (R), Nay

Vermont: Cart-wheeling A-hole (D), Yea; Thinks He Is Funny (Ind.), Yea

Virginia: Dumb Hunk (D), Yea; Big Horn (D), Yea

Washington: Tweedledee (D), Yea; Odorous Tennis Shoes (D), Yea

West Virginia: One Foot In the Grave (D), Not Voting; Beaten By An Ugly Stick (D), Yea

Wisconsin: Smells Like A Skunk (D), Yea; Older than Methuselah (D), Yea

Wyoming: Half Cocked Snake (R), Nay; Great White Bozo (R), Nay


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