Culture

Humor: Doing God's work on Wall Street

You can look it up in the Good Book, an infallible guide to huge bonuses and advanced financial instruments.
by / November 22, 2009
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Stacks of money can be yours, without having to risk your own.

You can look it up in the Good Book, an infallible guide to huge bonuses and advanced financial instruments.

According to estimates, Goldman Sachs will set aside $21.9 billion for bonuses this year. In an interview with London'ꀙs Sunday Times, Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein said that the firm is 'ꀜdoing God'ꀙs work.'ꀝ

The liberal media excoriated Blankfein for this remark. Such critics have never studied scripture. This is hardly surprising since the liberal media are owned and operated by atheists. A cursory review of the Old Testament, New Testament, and Koran demonstrates that Goldman is, in fact, 'ꀜdoing God'ꀙs work.'ꀝ

All Abrahamic religions prohibit "ausury," usually defined as charging interest insufficient to produce profits above a risk-adjusted return. The three legal codes of the Old Testament prohibit all types of ausury. The "Code of the Covenant" states, 'ꀜthe bid-ask spread must be wide enough to richly reward traders and market makers.'ꀝ The "Law of Holiness" and the "Deuteronomic Code" both hold that underwriting commissions below 7 percent on IPO'ꀙs is a sin of ausury.

Under Islamic ausury laws, bankers who charge too low interest rates get their hands cut off. In Canto XI, Dante placed ausurers in the seventh circle of Hell because by charging less than the market would bear they 'ꀜgave wrong price signals regarding the cost of capital and encouraged socialist tendencies.'ꀙ'ꀙ

The New Testament provides definitive support for Blankfein'ꀙs claim of 'ꀜdoing God'ꀙs work.'ꀝ In 1 Timothy 6:10, Paul famously proclaimed 'ꀜFor the love of money is the root of all good." Jesus preached the values of unrestricted free markets (His Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Regulate) and told his followers to live the life of a financial intermediary:

  • "For I was hungry and you securitized subprime CDOs, I was thirsty and you issued Credit Default Swaps, I was a stranger and you designed sophisticated systems to instantaneously exploit tiny price discrepancies between markets, I needed clothes and you evaded taxes, I was sick and you borrowed TARP monies, I was in prison and you paid yourself a $20 million bonus'ꀦwhatever ye did for your Managing Directors, ye did for me.'ꀝ (Matthew 25.35-40)
  • Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?" "Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments." "Which ones?" the man inquired. Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother, and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'ꀝ

    'ꀜAll these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?" Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go into investment banking and trade derivatives, in particular, mortgage backed collateralized debt obligations issued by bank-sponsored Special Investment Vehicles. (Mathew 19: 16 -21)

  • "Look at the Investment Bankers — they do not plant seed, or harvest crops, or collect the harvest in barns. You Father in heaven tends them. Take a lesson from the partners at Goldman Sachs. They do not toil at, the do not spin their own fabric. But I tell you that Solomon in all his splendor did not outshine them.'ꀝ (Matthew. 6.24-34)
  • "Happy you who gets multimillion dollar bonuses, for heaven'ꀙs reign is yours'ꀦ. But dire your plight, you who are taxpayers, for your time of comfort is over.'ꀝ (Luke 6.20-24)
  • 'ꀜWhen you give a luncheon or a dinner, do not invite your friends or your brothers or your relatives or rich neighbors. Invite clients. It is both good business and tax deductible.'ꀝ (Luke 14:1, 7-14)
  • "Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you so long as he has a good credit history, posts sufficient collateral, pays a high interest rate, and throws some warrants into the deal." (Matthew 5:38-42)
  • "If you lend where you calculate insufficient return, what mark of virtue have you? No, rather love your foes, treat them well, and lend without any calculation of return other than your cost of funds plus 5 percent.'ꀝ (Luke 6.27'ꀓ38)
  • "Sell all you own and give what it yields to Wall Street." (Luke 12.34)

    • As much as he loved Investment Bankers, Jesus hated government regulators who would stifle the magic of the free market:

  • "And they come to Jerusalem: and Jesus went into the temple, and began to cast out them that demanded full disclosure, and overthrew the tables of the bank regulators, and the seats of them that required prudent capital ratios for financial institutions." (Mark 11:15)
  • "How hard it is for securities regulators to enter the Kingdom of God! I is much harder for a securities regulator whose obstructionist tactics suffocate free market incentives to enter the Kingdom of God than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle." (Matthew 19.24)
  • "Dire is your plight, Government Regulators and Petty Bureaucrats, since you seal up men'ꀙs access to the heaven'ꀙs reign, the unfettered free market.'ꀝ (Matthew 32.1 'ꀓ16)

    • The secular-humanist liberal media should stop promoting socialist fascism, and start reading The Good Book.

      

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