Humor: Corporations gain a new weapon

First it was political spending. And now the right to bear arms? The Supreme Court can't do enough for big business.
Crosscut archive image.

New status symbol of the American corporation

First it was political spending. And now the right to bear arms? The Supreme Court can't do enough for big business.

Overturning multiple precedents, yesterday the Supreme Court ruled that corporations have 'ꀜthe right to bear arms and form militias.'ꀝ

The 5-to-4 decision followed last week'ꀙs decision in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission that the First Amendment applies to corporations, and therefore the government cannot limit their political spending.

Writing for the majority Chief Justice Roberts opined, 'ꀜIf the first amendment applies to corporations, surely the second amendment also applies. Since corporations have no history of abusing their power, we expect that they will employ their private armies with restraint and discretion.'ꀝ

The majority held that the decision validated the founding fathers'ꀙ basic principle: that neither the government, nor the people, has the right to restrain corporations. 'ꀜThis was their original intent, and if it wasn'ꀙt, it should have been,'ꀝ Roberts continued.

In his opening statement during his nomination hearings Roberts stated, 'ꀜI have no agenda'ꀦMy job is to call balls and strikes and not to pitch or bat.'ꀝ He claimed that his job had not changed. 'ꀜMy job is still to call balls and strikes. However, I have decided to give corporations 86 strikes rather than three.'ꀝ

In a concurring opinion Justice Thomas wrote, 'ꀜI don'ꀙt remember much, but I always vote with my friends — Scalia, Alito, Roberts, and Kennedy. We Catholics need to stick together.'ꀝ

In a blistering dissent Justice Stevens labeled the decision irrelevant to the case at hand, Clifford v. Seattle. 'ꀜClifford appealed a parking ticket on the grounds that the meter maid was overeducated. It had nothing to do with second amendment rights.'ꀝ For the majority Justice Scalia retorted, 'ꀜBuzz off, Johnny. We'ꀙve got five votes and we will be here for decades. Deal with it.'ꀝ

It is not immediately clear how corporations will use their new powers. CEO Rex Tillerson promised that Exxon Mobil military forces would be used 'ꀜonly to counter terrorist threats against Exxon's pricing flexibility, Exxon's offshore drilling, and Exxon silencing of global warming alarmists.'ꀝ CEO Lloyd Blankfein signaled that Goldman Sachs would outsource all military operations to Blackwater. 'ꀜThe average Goldman employee earned $498,000 in 2009. That is far too much for an ordinary soldier who risks only death.'ꀝ

Next week the court is expected to hold that audits of corporations by the IRS, SEC, and other regulatory agencies constitute unreasonable search and seizure and are banned by the third amendment.


Please support independent local news for all.

We rely on donations from readers like you to sustain Crosscut's in-depth reporting on issues critical to the PNW.


About the Authors & Contributors