The Pentagon has harnessed the skills of corporate America to fight the Taliban. "We will exploit the expertise and talent of the private sector in our battle against extremist element in Afghanistan," Army Vice Chief of Staff, General Peter W. Chiarelli stated.
Selecting from the cream of corporate America, the Army has assembled 17 elite SWAT teams to infiltrate Taliban-controlled areas. Each inter-disciplinary team will comprise a stockbroker, executive compensation expert, management consultant, economist, rating-agency credit analyst, accountant, federal regulator, union organizer, and two lawyers.
No bankers are included since under the Geneva Convention they are classified as more lethal than poison gas, General Chiarelli explained.
Nonetheless, Chiarelli promised, "Each SWAT team will quickly destroy the local economic and social fabric. This mix of skilled personnel has been highly effective in trashing even more mature and robust economies." Chiarelli continued, "Within three weeks Bin Laden and Mullah Omar will be obscenely overpaid, all forms of economic activity including barter will cease, and locals will distrust everyone. Society will degenerate into lawlessness, betrayal, robbery, and immorality. It will resemble Wall Street, but with more litigation."
However, Flip Side has learned that the results for the initial SWAT team infiltrated into Kandahar Province were disappointing.
Trouble began immediately when the executive compensation expert took a survey and found he was underpaid. For a fee, the accountant verified his data.
The stockbroker sold CDOs backed by the Afghan poppy harvest to the federal regulator and the management consultant. The credit analyst, for a fee, had rated the CDOs AAA. Three days later when these securities lost 70 percent of their value, the buyers retained a lawyer to sue the stockbroker and bond analyst. The latter pair explained that an unexpected plague of 17-year locust caused the decline and retained the other lawyer to counter-sue.
The accountant, for fee, certified that 17 years were, in fact, 17 years.
The economist, for a fee, became an expert witness for the defense. He also became, for a fee, an expert witness for the plaintiff, explaining that he was the only person capable of refuting his theories.
In attempt to foster group cohesion, the management consultant facilitated a brainstorming session and recorded everyone's "great ideas" on flip charts with different colors magic markers.
Learning that government insurance covered legal fees in case malpractice, each lawyer sued himself for malpractice. The accountant, for a fee, verified the hours each spent on his defense.
The management consultant then facilitated a Vision and Values workshop. The group decided their core values were:
Upset because the group rejected "teamwork" as a core value, the credit analyst stomped out and threatened to sue.
The federal regulator was also disappointed when the group failed to adopt "Mondays off if Christmas falls on a Tuesday" as a core value. He then proclaimed the Vision and Values statement "inoperable" since the group failed to comply with OSHA guidelines during the infiltration. He threatened to sue. The economist countered that all federal regulators were useless because unfettered markets worked perfectly.
The regulator answered that economists, accountants, credit analysts, stockbrokers, lawyers, and executive compensation experts were blood-sucking parasites who needed to be regulated. The management consultant offered, for a fee, to study the issue.
The union organizer petitioned to be recognized as the sole bargaining agent for the group, claiming that they had unanimously chosen to organize through their body language.
The executive compensation expert reported that everyone was underpaid; their annual bonus and long-term incentive compensation plans should be restructured to meet current market standards. For a fee, the accountant verified this study, as did the economist.
The organizer demanded a union health plan covering cosmetic surgery for the entire family and pets.
Delta Force dispatched a helicopter to extricate the group. During the rescue, the economist turned his ankle. He is suing Delta Force, Sikorsky Helicopter, and Mullah Omar.
General Chiarelli labeled the initial SWAT infiltration "a valuable learning experience." He added that the next SWAT would include more skilled personnel including a health insurance executive, real estate appraiser, social networking software engineer, and seven additional lawyers.