As a person born, raised, educated, working, raising my child, and expecting to die in Seattle, I have — by a natural process that is part of being a person born, raised, educated, working, raising my child, and expecting to die in Seattle — built up a specific defense against the sonic bombardment that grows during this time of the year.
What’s that — you thought I was talking about the Blue Angels? No, I was actually talking about the seasonal wailing that begins in late April and usually lasts through the Fourth of July — the blooming of the “why can’t Seattle weather be like (insert a city — any city)” perennial. Seattle has four very distinct seasons: winter rain, spring rain, summer rain, and fall rain. These four seasons are not new phenomena.
Not long ago, I was listening to an album (yes, an album) that had a conversation from the esteemed William H. Cosby, Jr. D. Ed. Dr. Cosby's conversation included comments about his visit to Seattle — specifically about how in Seattle, it rains “365 days out of the year.” Dr. Cosby announced this discovery in 1964. I fail to understand why people are wailing about an issue that one of America’s most esteemed scholars warned this country about almost a half century ago.
Now I — like all other persons born, raised, educated, etc. etc. (there’s about 15 of us left) — have developed a specific immunity to the aural assault that occurs during this period. It is a hard shell within the ear canal, just below the gills we use to absorb oxygen out of our wet environment. The shell deflects most wailing, moaning, gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments over the fact it is yet again cloudy and 50-something degrees when (insert a city, any city) is basking in 70, 80, 90, or 100 — oops, not 100 degrees. One hundred degrees is a level that sets off a wail in Seattle that reaches a pitch that only dogs can hear.
Most years, this hard shell is very effective in shutting off the invective that comes from those not familiar with living in a region where as Dr. Cosby warned— IT RAINS 365 DAYS OUT OF THE YEAR. This year, heavy harangues have harassed these shells to the point of rupture. My shell ruptured when the person beside me on the elevator announced “It’s so beautiful today and it’ll be so crappy tomorrow, and I’m going to be crabby because of it.” My first reaction was one of sorrow: A person is going to lose it over something out of their control. My second reaction was to grab her and scream: “Dr. Cosby warned you — why didn’t you listen!”
I understand some of you are here due to circumstances beyond YOUR control, abducted against your will and marooned here due to marriage or employment. But those in Seattle of your own free will — and I know you’re out there because I’ve been married to one for 12 years — you were warned about the weather before coming here. And it’s time for you all to “cowboy up.” You know sometime around the middle of July we will start having 70 degree plus days for an extended period. All will be right in the world and people will stop searching for virgins to pitch into Mount Rainier to appease the Sun God.
Until then, get a hat, buy a cute cap, get an umbrella and stop wailing. I’m begging you; stop assailing my ears — the sound waves dry up my gills and I can’t breathe!