I was advised to start tweeting to help sell my political satire Fools and Knaves: The True Story of My Historic Presidential Campaign, available as an e-book on June 21.
I was told not to plug the book on Twitter. Apparently that is a faux pas. Instead, I was to engage my follower(s). Yesterday, I surveyed Twitter leaders to see how this is done:
Rihanna, with 19,915,001 followers, engaged her followers by tweeting:
- Justin Bieber "BOYFRIEND">>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This was retweeted 19,823 times. Tweetees find stuck keys informative, expressive, and riveting.
Lady Gaga with 25,141,722 followers kept her tweetees enthralled by asking a penetrating question while revealing her vulnerable side:
- Laying in bed looking at costume jewelry online. Only thing difficult about being on the road. NO QVC!!! Home Shopping Network where r you!
Justin Bieber, 22,708,770 followers, was more pithy and poetic:
- Ciao Italia! Time for some spaghetti Bolognese
Learning from the masters, I tweeted three tweets myself:
- William Shakespeare "KING LEAR" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
- Just ate breakfast. Finish the newspaper or walk the dog? Decisions! Decisions!
- lá maith mo chara maith Ireland. Time for some boiled potatoes
None of these three were retweeted. My fault, Shakespeare's or Ireland's?
I read in Saturday's New York Times that religious messages "perform about 30 times as well as Twitter messages from pop culture powerhouse like Lady Gaga."
Being an atheist, I then tweeted:
- There is no god. You are on your own. Overcast in Seattle.
Later that day I followed with:
- Greek salad for lunch. There still is no god. You are still on your own.
Again, no retweets. I have decided that from now on I won't tweet.
I won't tweet, don't ask me
I won't tweet, don't task me
I won't tweet, blockheads, with you
The murder of the English language I eschew
You know what? Tweeting's foolish
You know what? Tweeting's ghoulish
And oh, how tweeters write so mulishly
In one hundred and forty I can't construct
A phrase free of disorderly conduct
When you tweet, you're vapid and you're inane
'specially 'bout Kardashians or the campaign
They're designed to drive the whole world insane
So skip the refrain, and simply abstain
And that's why
I won't tweet, it's boring
I won't tweet, it's whoring
I won't tweet, encoulez vous
I'm told my attitude is quite obsolete
But even to sell my own book, I won't tweet