9 reasons to build that Canadian wall

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Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker says we should consider building a wall on the Canadian border. Because the only thing better than having a wall on our southern border is having a wall on our northern border, too! Here are nine other reasons we should build it:

1. Stop the Poutine invasion

Canada’s heart-clogging national dish, poutine, is appearing on more and more Seattle menus where it has become a Happy Hour favorite. The basic ingredients: brown gravy and cheese over French fries. The way it congeals on your plate makes you wonder what it’s doing in your blood vessels — OK, we all know what it’s doing to our blood vessels. A wall might stop this slow, soggy — albeit delicious — invasion.

2. Halt "Going Canadian" 

The U.S influence has caused some to complain that Canada’s unique values are fading away. (Look at the conservatism of the Harper government, for example.) But Canadian healthcare still is a draw even in the age of Obamacare: How many people do you know who yearn to find a way to retire in Canada just to get their basic medical needs taken care of? A wall might keep Americans from getting restless and “going Canadian.”

3. Plug Victoria’s sewage

For years, Washingtonians have wanted British Columbia’s capital to stop dumping its shit into the Strait of Juan de Fuca. Who do they think they are, a cruise ship? The right kind of seawall — an underwater wall — could cause a sewage back-up that would make them think twice before they flush.

4. Solve the Salmon problem

A wall could block all that water gushing from Canada’s mountains which creates an inconvenient barrier between Washington and Oregon called the Columbia River. If we block the flow, it would eliminate the expense of restoring salmon runs and all the attendant environmental mitigation and regulations. Plus, we’d get a huge trench that could be repurposed as a tourist attraction: The Grand Canyon of the Northwest.

5. Keep the animals out

A wall would keep out dangerous wildlife — and I'm not just talking about Canadian soccer fans and BC bikers. Already, Canadian grizzly bears have been seen roaming the North Cascades, and wolf packs have reestablished themselves. A wolverine has been spotted as far south as California. A little upfront investment in a wall would save us the cost of deporting these undocumented animals.

6. Help with truth-in-filming

Hollywood shoots “Seattle” TV series in Vancouver. A wall could be used to stop studios from selling the world on a false image of the Emerald City. I bet a lot of Amazon’s new employees get here and wonder, “Where’s Stanley Park?” or “How come the mountains don’t come right down to the sea?” or “Why don’t Seattleites say ‘eh’?” However, they can enjoy that Seattle favorite, poutine.

7. Bring true peace

We’ve been plagued with border skirmishes with Canada in our history. Remember 54-40 or Fight? Remember the invasion of the Guess Who? Remember the Pig War? A wall could have prevented that Hudson’s Bay pig from rooting in our all-American patriotic potato garden. Sure, we’d have to tear the actual Peace Arch in Blaine down to erect of new barbed wired, pig-proof Peace Wall, but if it prevents even one pig from dying….

8. Stimulate wall tourism

A massive wall would be good for tourism. Think of all the places that have flourished with walls that divide them: Berlin, Cyprus, the West Bank, the Korean DMZ. Walls just seem to breed vitality!

9. A job for Bertha!

Here’s an idea. We build the wall, then give Bertha to the Canadians and tell them hey, we’re not such bad guys, you can tunnel underneath if you want. They go broke, Canada is ours.


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About the Authors & Contributors

Knute Berger

Knute Berger

Knute “Mossback” Berger is Crosscut's Editor-at-Large.