Humor: The Zombocracy and the Upticrats

One nation, under Zombies, with repression and injustice for all.
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Sen. Robert Byrd, born in 1917 and now serving his ninth term in the Senate

One nation, under Zombies, with repression and injustice for all.

Don'ꀙt expect effective legislation from the Senate just because the Democrats have 60 votes. It will be hard to find 60 Senators who can respond to a roll call, because there are not 60 who remember their names. The Senate is a Zombocracy, literally, rule by Zombies, government of the living dead.

I retired nine years ago, and I was hardly at the top of my game. Today, I cannot recall who wrote Hamlet, what month it is, and whether Brad and Angelina are still together. YET I AM YOUNGER THAN 37 SENATORS.

The senior senator from West Virginia was born when the Kaiser ruled Germany. The junior Senator from Hawaii was born before Walter Johnson'ꀙs first World Series victory. Senator Frank Lautenberg, born during Calvin Coolidge'ꀙs first term, sensibly retired at age 75 in 2000. In fit of senility, he ran again and won in 2002 and 2008.

The paradigmatic Zombocracy was the Soviet Union under Leonid Ilich Brezhnev. By the end of their present terms, nearly one-fifth of the Senate will be older than Brezhnev when he died.

This has forced the Senate to install a Elder Care Center with a 24/7 geriatric ICU on the Senate Floor. With the seniority system, Zombocrats control most important committees. Ages of Senate committee chairmen are: Veterans Affairs, 84. Health, Education, Labor, 77. Select Committee on Intelligence, 76. Armed Forces, 75. Select Committee on Aging (!), 74. Commerce, Science & Transportation, 72. Judiciary, 69. Agriculture, 69. Environment & Public Works, 68. Indian Affairs, 67. Homeland Security, 67. Finance, 67. Banking, Housing & Urban Affairs, 65. Foreign Relations, 65.

Even if the Senate ever passed sensible legislation, Upticrats would it would rule it unconstitutional. Upticracy, rule by Up-Tight Catholics, was established in the 15th century Papal States and perfected in Spain during the Inquisition.

The Upticracy of the United States, comprises Justices Kennedy, Roberts, Scalia, Alito, and Thomas. They vote as a block and consistently apply the doctrine of 'ꀜstrict uptightness'ꀝ to the interpretation of laws. As true followers of Jesus, the Upticrats like white males, assault weapons, pollution, prisons, corporations, and the death penalty. They dislike minorities, youth, and empathy. Although four of them — Roberts, Scalia, Alito, and Thomas — are mere children by Senatorial standards, all will outlive the next four Popes.


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