The Dow loses 18 percent in a week. Then the Dow is up almost 1,000 points in a day. Two day later it drops 730 points.
Where should you invest in these difficult times?
My name is Clip Clifford, and I have the answer.
By investing wisely, I have made a fortune for my clients and myself. If you had invested $1,000 with me in 1982, you would now own the states of Delaware, South Carolina, and most of New Mexico.
Picking stocks that will beat the stock market is difficult. Economics professors argue that because stock markets are highly efficient, only blind luck can beat market averages. Then again, professors are usually broke.
The only way for you to beat the market is by subscribing to my market newsletter, The Accucast.
The Accucast tells you where the market is headed. In October 2007, when the Dow was above 14,000, The Accucast forecasted it would fall to 8500 by Sept. 10, 2008.
A week ago Friday, The Accucast advised subscribers to buy and predicted the Dow would rise by 930 points on Monday. But on Tuesday we said sell, foreseeing a 730 point drop on Wednesday.
Don't you now wish you had listened?
The Accucast has never been wrong. The Accucast is all the investment advice you will ever need. Ignore everything else.
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Ignore annual reports produced by slick P.R. firms. No report will admit, "In 2007 your company was plagued by poor management. Our standard level of incompetence was aggravated by petty jealousies, internecine departmental warfare, and executive backstabbing, creating a cover-your-ass culture. This produced a series of stupid decisions."
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Ignore the financial press. CFO Magazine gave its coveted Excellence Award successively to Scott Sullivan, CFO of WorldCom; Andy Fastow, CFO of Enron; and Mark Swartz, CFO of Tyco.
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Ignore the investment gurus. Why would someone on CNBC give you valuable information for free? (I give you valuable advice for a mere pittance, by even someone as generous and bighearted as me does not give advice for free.)
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Ignore your broker, who simply repeats what he hears on CNBC. You cannot beat the market using other brokers and money managers. Even those that are rich got rich by bilking their customers. I got rich by caring about people and helping people — people just like you.
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Also, disregard investment guides that counsel, "Invest in what you know." This is great advice for someone like Warren Buffet, who knows a lot. It is lousy advice for someone like you, who does not understand credit default swaps and CDOs and why they destroyed the world's financial system.
The Accucast contains everything you need to make a killing in the market. I have constructed an astonishingly accurate econometric model that predicts GDP growth, inflation, durable goods shipments, skirt lengths, stock prices, Super Bowl winners, your golf handicap, and your personal horoscope, within a margin of error of plus or minus 100 percent.
The Accucast's predictions for the next three years are:
2009 2010 2011 GDP growth +1.7% 8 to 5 against problematic Inflation subdued perky frisky Interest rates (10-year Treasury) 4.72% 5.31% Treasury in default Durable goods shipments Very likely Delayed, gate change Sure, definitely you can bank on it Skirt lengths Yuck Wow! Ho-hum Stock prices Most between $10 and $90 some higher, some lower High in the mid 70s Super Bowl winner Philadelphia Lawyers Cleveland Imbeciles Los Angeles Bulimics Golf handicap Poor coordination Violent temper Arthritic hip Personal horoscope 2009 will be a tough year 2010 will be a bummer 2011 will be a bitch and then you dieThe Accucast is a dynamic model that is instantly updated with current economic data. Therefore, the projections published above are already outdated and useless. However, for a small additional fee, subscribers can receive up-to-the-minute forecasts from my Web site iclipyou.com.
