Starbucks Nation

Howard Schultz's secret plan for making America great once again.

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The earliest logo for Starbucks

Howard Schultz's secret plan for making America great once again.

Starbucks boss Howard Schultz has a new autobiography (Onward) and has jumped into the political arena with his mad-as-hell group calling for a suspension of campaign donations until the mess in Washington, DC is worked out. What to make of this? 

He's obviously running for something.

That leads us to consider that Schultz might have his eye on an eventual White House run, perhaps as the Ross Perot of 2012. He's making a centrist, bipartisan pitch, addressing voter frustration, and putting his mug on the Internet while conducting national town hall teleconferences.

So, what would a Schultz presidency be like? Should America be run more like a coffee business? Here are highlights of what he would do if elected.

1. American citizens renamed "partners."

2. White House state dinner attire: business casual.

3. Gives Vice President an actual job: wearing a green apron opening the government every day at 5 am.

4. Cabinet members hired on rotating schedules of less than 40 hours per week to limit benefits.

5. Asks Congress to balance budget with new confiscatory tax on every business called Dunkin Donuts.

6. New tax rates: Tall, Grande and Vente.

7. American eagle symbol replaced with bare-breasted mermaid.

8. Pays off national debt by issuing "Starbucks" good for free Pumpkin Spice Lattes while they last.

9. Announces U.S. government will open 2,000 new locations on prime corners around the world next year.

10. Registers 24,897,742 Facebook Friends as new political party.

11. Secretary of State Kenny G announces Lady Gaga will be new US ambassador at large.

12. Replaces federal pork with Salted Caramel Mocha Frappuccino®, another concoction of tasty ingredients that are really bad for you.

13. Promises every American the right of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness at an excellent, privately operated Third Place from which to run your home business with caffeine, sugar and paid Wi-fi."

14. Removes Presidential basketball court from White House and sells it to team in Oklahoma City.


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About the Authors & Contributors

Knute Berger

Knute Berger

Knute “Mossback” Berger is Crosscut's Editor-at-Large.